If you’re a gay man in Sydney (or perhaps, like me, have the sensibilities of a gay man), and sometime around your third glass of champagne on New Year’s Eve when the topic of New Year’s resolutions inevitably came up, you thought, “Fuck, Mardi Gras is soon,” you’re not alone.
Every year, impossibly, it seems that first weekend in March is closer to Christmas than usual. Every year, you make the New Year’s resolution to shred for Mardi Gras, and possibly continue the trend beyond Mardi Gras, to keep that body year round. Every year, you go to bed on New Year’s Eve thinking, “This will be my last drink for a while,” until you remember it’s summer in Sydney and there’s an amazing queer party every other weekend.
So how do you shred for Mardi Gras in the midst of the biggest events on the queer social calendar? And be realistic here, it’s not like you’re going to stay home because staying sober and resting is good for your workout schedule. Let’s be honest, working out and eating well just gets in the way of your socialising, beach-going, and general life time. So here are a few tips for bulking up ahead of Mardi Gras without the hassle of a gym commitment.
Skip the beers
I don’t mean stop drinking. If you want to read a self-indulgent piece about how great it is giving up booze, go to literally any other column in any mainstream paper this summer (Peter FitzSimons had a particularly vomit-inducing take on it a few weeks ago in the SMH. Seriously, if you’re into masochism, you’ll love it).
No, what I mean is literally just avoid beer. Replace it with spirits and soda water, or maybe just straight spirits. Lighter spirits are better, but G&Ts are still bad because tonic is oddly bad for you (having ‘water’ in the title is a trap!)
Go to more dance parties
If your social calendar is so full you have a choice of more than one event on any given night, choose the one with more dancing. Dancing is a pretty epic workout, plus it’ll prepare you for the specific fitness you need for Mardi Gras. Bonus points if you can find a dance party where you can dance and walk simultaneously, as that’ll get your parade fitness well up to scratch.
Have more sex
There’s plenty of visitors to Sydney this time of year – why not take this chance to meet them and greet them in a way that is both enjoyable and energetic? Obviously, aim for active sex – starfishing just doesn’t burn those calories.
Double fist
And by this I obviously mean carry two drinks at once. This is a fantastic workout for your biceps, and involves less time standing around in the bar line. It’s a good idea to buy doubles in tall glasses, and only go to bars that’ll serve you in actual glass, because you’ll need a decent amount of weight in both hands for this workout to be extra effective.
Walk home from the club
I’m aware this isn’t always the safest option, but if you’ve made a new ‘friend’ at the club, you can go together for safety in numbers. Walking home means you’ll not only save some money for a few extra drinks on Mardi Gras, but you’ll also get a good late-night workout, plus a better chance to stave off the next day’s hangover. This is important for my next tip…
Go to the beach (and tread water)
Going to the beach is important for the other crucial part of Mardi Gras fashion: your tan. Tread some water while you’re in the ocean for that extra bit of incidental exercise. If you bring a cocktail, holding it above the water is also great upper body exercise.
Fuck beauty standards
Of course, the final option is to do none of this. All the tanned men in glitter booty shorts in the parade all look the same, and those toned bodies look like they haven’t seen an ounce of fun in years. Wear whatever the hell you want on Mardi Gras, and don’t give a flying fuck about how much of your exposed body jiggles. You look fucking great anyway.
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This Week:
We’re still in a little of that post-New Year’s slum (but start preparing your bodies for next weekend). This Saturday January 16 is the next instalment of Heaps Gay featuring Dunny Minogue, Cunningpants, Nelson De Sousa and others at the Oxford Hotel.
Meanwhile, this weekendalso sees The Shift host a club night with a gaming twist: it’s Kirby’s Dreamland: 7 Colours, featuring two-player DJ excellence from Kirby and Johny Blue Boy.
The new weekly event at the Imperial Hotel hosted by Stereogamous also continues this Saturday. It’s perfect for those Inner Westies too lazy to get to the Oxford for HG.
[Mardi Gras photo by Ashley Mar]
