The Six Themed Bars Sydney Desperately Needs Right Now

Not content with unveiling the George Constanza-inspired bar that broke the internetand attracted the attention of Jason “Let’s All Please Forget About Dunston Checks In” Alexander himself, our friends in the south have just opened a brand new Larry David-themed establishment.

It’s all a bit much. They get not one but two diners inspired by angry Jewish comedians, while we have to sit around twiddling our thumbs and listening to the bloody gargle our culture makes while it’s being curb-stomped to death by the very man tasked with looking after it.

But that changes now. Let’s turn the tide. Let’s get proactive. Here’s a list of the themed bars Sydney desperately needs; nay, the themed bars Sydney deserves.

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1. Mikey’s Missionary Position

Since he has spent his time in power single-handedly trying to tear out Sydney’s cultural heart and snack on it as one would a peach, it only seems natural that our fair Premier gets his own bar to drink in. Well, when we say ‘drink’, we’re not talking about booze of course: Holy water is the only beverage on the menu at Mikey’s.

Better get in quick though. The place opens at four and shuts at ten past: just enough time to self-flagellate in front of a cross and ignore the reasonable, logical advice your fellow patrons are trying to offer you.

The Décor: Crosses all over the place. A framed photo of the proprietor driving a Delorean hanging above Matt Barrie’s stuffed and mounted head.

The Music: Absolute fucking silence.

Photo credit:Flickr/Beau Giles

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2. The Celluloid Club

Given the way we collectively turn our nose up to the sky and sniff when it comes to Aussie cinema, isn’t it about time we celebrated our celluloid achievements with a bar designed to honour our filmic heritage? Of course, nobody will actually ever go to the bar, and it will eventually be forced to close, but it’ll be highly regarded in Europe. That’s all that counts, right?

The Décor: Massive stills fromPicnic At Hanging Rock and The Castle that completely overshadow smaller but more vibrant shots from Patrick and Road Games.

TheMusic:“Baba-doooook doook dook!”played on repeat.

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3.Nollsie’s Fish Taco Emporium

If anybody deserves a bar, it’s Australia’s number one runner-up. Of course, given the second-rate food and sub-standard service, Nollsie’s Fish Taco Emporium will almost close a number of times, only to suddenly experience a strange second lease on life as hipsters flock to the place, ironically relishing every expired morsel of the hideous mercury-poisoned fish meat.

The Décor: Wallpaper emblazoned with the words “cheers mate thanks mate on ya mate”.

The Music: Do you even have to ask?

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4. The Blue Heeler

Who says only American television programs deserve their own drinking holes? Let’s embrace our own proud heritage and launch a Blue Heelers-inspired bar. It’ll be a little drab and nondescript, of course, and everyone will spend their time wandering around the place asking each other if anybody actually remembers anything about Blue Heelers (“isn’t that the one with the chick off Neighbours?”), but it’ll be ours nonetheless.

The Décor: Plain wallpaper and artificial lighting.

The Music: The Blue Heelers theme song! You remember the one. Of course you do. No, you do.

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5.Trump’s Teahouse

Every time you drive past Trump’s Teahouse the place will be empty, and there’ll be people on the street in front of it laughing and pointing. But before you know it the bar will become a franchise. There’ll be one on every corner; each one empty, besmirched, but strangely successful. Somebody will have to be eating there, but nobody will be ready to admit that they do.

The Décor: A cheap lick of gold paint that barely hides the canker and rot beneath.

The Music:On repeat:

Photo credit:Flickr/Gage Skidmore

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6. Melbourne-Style Bar

Given they’re the kings and queens of the themed bar, why don’t we pay tribute to our Melburnian brothers and sisters and unveil our very own ‘Bourne-inspired watering hole? The drinks will be overpriced, the food will be underwhelming, and you’ll barely be able to talk over the sound of some arts student dreaming up his very own themed establishment (“what about a retro diner inspired by Bergman’sSawdust And Tinsel?“) but it’ll have a strange charm all of its own.

The Décor:Turn of the century retro-nouveau-revivalism meets art-deco-decadent-deconstructivism.

The Music:Ironic muzak and the clacking of a typewriter as Tyson Wray tears apart every single song.

Melbourne Bitter image credit: Flickr/Alvin de Castro Chan / Header image credit: Flickr/Poul-Werner Dam

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