Listen up, monkey scum! Your lords and masters Gwar are bringing their unique combination of metal and ultraviolence to Australia. Pay attention – beastlord Oderus Urungus has mighty words of power for you all. Show your gratitude, pathetic humans. Do you know the best thing about humans?
“Nothing! There’s nothing good, except maybe some of your movies and of course MotЪrhead,” snaps Urungus. “If there are some good things about humans, I take credit of course. A lot of people are like, ‘Oderus, heavy metal was around long before you guys were – like, we had MotЪrhead and AC/DC! You can go fuck yourselves!’ I say, ‘Woah! Where is all this hostility coming from? Don’t you know that we were manipulating your minds from our Antarctic tomb? Everything cool you ever did is ’cause we thought of it first. It just took a while for us to thaw out.’”
In 1997, Gwar deigned to appear on The Jerry Springer Show to mock the petty concerns of the human audience. That episode is a bizarre gem of American culture – soccer moms and shock rockers discussing parental responsibility and moral obligation.
This conflict between metal and moralising is not new, but it may be the first time a man clad in Styrofoam armour and carrying a big pretend axe has claimed, “You can tell we are for real.”
Springer made an appearance onstage at a Gwar concert shortly before the show was filmed. “As soon as he was onstage everyone started throwing crap at him,” remembers Urungus. “A lighter came flying and knocked his glasses completely off his face and as he picked them up I heard him mutter under his breath, ‘They don’t pay me enough for this shit.’ But he got up there and faced that crowd and he even got fed to [Gwar’s old onstage enemy] the World Maggot, so if that wasn’t a significant cultural cataclysm I don’t know what is.”
Gwar’s intention is to corrupt your minds with their awesome musical power, but their plans are often interrupted by stage invasion from mighty demons. “We’re trying to play a heavy metal show, and all of a sudden I’ve got some gigantic cyborg mutant with a giant spinning buzz-saw chopping my fucking head off and trying to eat my brains. I don’t think that Sammy Davis, Jr. ever had to deal with that kinda bullshit!” Yep, it’s a show like no other: a wild smorgasbord of metal, monsters and gore.
Previous Gwar audiences have been privileged to witness the onstage slaughter of Lady Gaga, George W. Bush and Barack Obama. Who’s next? “I don’t wanna spoil it, but there’s one victim in particular who I think is going to win over Australia forever. When this person dies onstage, it’s basically going to make the entire country enter Gwar’s thralls for all eternity. So we’re very much looking forward to coming to Australia and killing Tony Abbott. Oh shit, did I just say that?”
Gwar’s latest album, Battle Maximus,brings word of a new nemesis and threat to Gwar’s dominance of this disgusting planet. His name: Mr. Perfect. “He’s a weak motherfucker. Basically representing the megalithic corporate elite that runs your world.” Why does he threaten us still? “Only because we haven’t resorted to using more modern weapons. We could wipe that fucker out in an afternoon if we were pussies about it and used drones or nuclear weapons. But we believe in doing it with our hands using medieval weapons. It’s much more painful and satisfying. Dropping a nuke is one thing, but to see someone drawn and quartered and eaten by pigs; well, I just find that a whole lot funnier.”
So laugh, you filthy dirtpigs! Rejoice! Gwar’s arrival is nigh.
Battle Maximus is out now through Metal Blade.