Christmas is upon us. People who aren’t Bing Crosby have begun singing ‘White Christmas’ through the PA of your local shopping mall, and your mum’s favourite artist has released a(nother) cash-grab holiday album.
But something is missing – where are the Christmas-themed gifts for those who live on the heavier side? Where is the tacky holiday merch for your awkward cousin who is going through a Norwegian death metal phase? We’ve picked some of our favourite Christmas merch to stuff a stocking with this year…
…or not, and just laugh at the marketing manager who decided any of these were a good idea.
Jimmy Barnes and his Traditional Shortbread Biscuits
Australian rock legend Jimmy Barnes, hot off the release of his own Cornetto flavour, has announced he will be dropping his very own range of Traditional Shortbread Biscuits this Christmas. It even comes with a limited-edition tin that has The Barnster rocking a kilt.
While this type of metal tin is known around the country as the container your grandmother keeps her sewing supplies in, it’s traditionally used to hold shortbread. Barnsey looks back to bring back this great tradition with his family biscuits, and you can get a taste of this family recipe for $30.
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KISS: Literally everything
We can’t really have a conversation about merch without bringing up the undisputed kings of merchandising – KISS.
The band that brought you everything from condoms to coffins wouldn’t dare let the holidays go past without cashing in on that Kris Kringle money. KISS have got everything from stockings to baubles, and even an ugly Christmas sweater. You can have yourself a Merry KISSmas when you’re sitting down to watch Peter Griffin’s favourite film,Kiss Saves Santa.
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Literally every other band’s ugly Christmas sweater
Have we reached the tipping point of bands releasing the ugly Christmas sweater? Every year, more and more bands release their very own impeccably designed holiday Christmas shirts, and the whole thing may have jumped the shark. Not to mention here in Australia you are either wearing these six months too late, or potentially getting heatstroke on Boxing Day.
Everyone from Green Day to Slayer has given it a go. But it could always be worse – you could end up with this abysmal AC/DC parody shirt…
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Bad Religion’s Christmas ornament
Is your Christmas not edgy enough? Do you need a way to say, “Hey, even though I find this time of year majestic as heck, I still up da punx everyday”? Then Bad Religion have the merch for you!
Surely Bad Religion and Christmas are two things that shouldn’t mix, but that didn’t stop the band from releasing an album full of Christmas songs in 2013. They claimed the release was based in irony, but it’s hard to tell when listening to it. But it’s given punx everywhere the only album they will listen to in December, and now they also have the Christmas ornament to match.
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AC/DC’s bottles of wine
What else is going to get you through Christmas lunch with your entire family?
“When am I going to get a REAL job? Aunt Belinda, why don’t you just shut up and have a glass of this Highway To Hell Cabernet Sauvignon?”
