Music is a huge part of American political campaigns, as integral to the process of becoming President as racism, privilege and nepotism.
Sadly, the same cannot be said of Australian politics.
Although every now and then an Aussie politician will dabble in the world of popular music (we’ll forget your real achievements long before we forget your dancing in that Super Best Friends music video, K-Rudd), too few members of our government utilise pop anthems, especially not with the enthusiasm that Obama displayed when he deployed The National’s ‘Fake Empire’, or Donald Trump recently employed when he borrowed an Adele tune without asking.
To that end – and because it’s impossible to get a politician to do anything unless your change.org petition gets 70 billion signatures – rather than waiting for Australian politicians to select anthems for themselves, I’ve done it for them.
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Pauline Hanson: Nine Inch Nails – ‘Closer’
Picture Pauline Hanson lurking around a basement dressed in full bondage gear, whipping her own back and muttering something about “Sharia law”, all while listening to this song. See how easy that was to do? Maybe that’s because it’s going on somewhere in the country right now.
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Bill Shorten: Talking Heads – ‘Once In A Lifetime’
Given that Shorten’s so forgettable I actually referred to him as ‘whats-his-face’ while pitching this article, perhaps the obvious choice would be some middle of the road, white bread anthem by a band like the Eagles or, I dunno, those guys who played that song. You know the one.
But that route seems too familiar, so instead I propose Talking Heads’ magnificent ‘Once In A Lifetime’, a song about a character seemingly sleepwalking his way through life. Can’t you just picture Shorten waking up one day, shrieking “This is not my beautiful house! And… This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?”Also, ‘once in a lifetime’ is a good way of quantifying the man’s chances of becoming Prime Minister.
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Clive Palmer: The Flying Lizards – ‘Money’
Who do I have to justify this choice? It’s perfect. It’s got lizards, the descendants of Palmer’s beloved dinosaurs, and repeated mention of those good old-fashioned dollarydoos. In fact, Palmer’s so crazy I’m surprised he doesn’t already have this blaring every time he walks into Parliament.
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Peter Dutton: Casiotone For The Painfully Alone, ‘Tonight Was A Disaster’
Though perhaps not the obvious choice (I was also considering The Smiths’ ‘Unloveable’, for the record) this is the one that makes the most sense to me. After all, I bet Dutton has spent the entirety of his political career saying the media’s relentless attacks on his hateful face are no big deal, while the shake in his voice gives away how he feels. Oh, and that warbling, pathetic keyboard solo is pure Dutton.
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Mike Baird: Swans – ‘Oxygen’
Listen, I’m not saying Mike Baird is an alien lizard man who puts on human skin every morning the way you or I would pull on an old pair of jeans. But I’m not not saying it, either.
Ignore all that Delorean ridin’, Batchelor tweetin’, youth vote panderin’ nonsense: Baird was one of the first to support the Gayby Baby ban, and a Christian of the most conservative variety.
That’s why for our premiere psycho premier, I have chosen Swans’ demented ‘Oxygen’. It’s just too easy to imagine Baird doing the Michael Gira patented crazy dance from the video above, and the lyric about “stealin’ all the oxygen” perfectly suits Baird’s proclivity for tearing down trees and murdering our planet, an activity he has taken to with all the enthusiasm of an alien lizard man who puts on human skin every morning the way you or I would pull on an old pair of jeans.
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Joe Hockey: The Dead Kennedys – ‘Kill The Poor’
You might have forgotten us, Joe, now you’ve got your cushy new job as ambassador to the United States, but we haven’t forgotten you, or the things you said about poor people not driving. This Dead Kennedys tune is for you, you delightful human smear.
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Malcolm Turnbull: Kanye West – ‘Power’
Kanye West and our mate Malc have more in common than one might initially realise. Both have done some dubious things in the pursuit of power (Malcolm overthrew his Prime Minister, Kanye married Kim K); both are stonking rich; and both have pretty awesome Twitter accounts, though Turnbull is more likely to tweet about public transport than butt play.
Oh, and if you don’t believe that Malcolm had this tune blaring through his headphones in the moments before he approached the press and announced his plans to get rid of Tony, you are unimaginative and boring and I have no time for you.
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Tony Abbott: Shannon Noll – ‘What About Me’
I like to imagine that every single night since he got the boot, Tony Abbott has listened to Shannon Noll’s ‘What About Me’ before falling asleep. Every single night Tone has sought solace in the music of another underappreciated genius; a kindred spirit who similarly came close to greatness only to have it snatched away at the last moment. Every single night he has taken some comfort in the song’s stirring message, reading it as a paean for all those who have been betrayed and dismissed.
And every single night he has whispered into his tear-stained pillow, echoing the song’s plaintive chorus. “What about me?” he has said, his voice cracking. “What about me?”
Got better suggestions? Leave ’em in the comments below. And till next time, goodbye. Or, as alien lizard man wearing human skin Mike Baird would say: ‘gaaarble-grizzle-gorf!’
