How To Run A Music Festival In 2016 For Dummies: Our Guide To Curating An Event That Will Definitely Not Go Wrong

One of the most significant events to bite the dust as of late isAll Tomorrow’s Parties, a weekend of tunes that was to be curated by legendary alt-art-rockers Drive Like Jehu.

Though it’s always sad to see an event like this face closure, don’t despair. Given the cyber-centric world we now live in, literally anyone can organise their own music festival. Just follow the instructions below and learn how you too can perfectly emulate the experience of running an event without ever leaving your home.

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1. Give your festival a snappy name

Bestowing a title upon your festival is a difficult but essential first step. Though there is a certain appeal in giving your event a flashy, esoteric name, there’s nothing like cutting through the quick and branding it with a simple, to-the-point moniker. Hence why we’re calling our festival Bragfest ’16.

MS Paint skills are important, but not necessarily essential.

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2. Create a list of bands to play your festival

The best way to do this is to get overambitious. Make sure you collate such a massive list of legendary musical acts that it becomes literally impossible to pay them all.

Or, alternatively, you could outsource this step to one of your favourite bands. This adds a level of niche appeal to the event, but it also ensures that the band themselves can be held accountable when it all goes to hell.

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3. Promise the bands money you don’t actually have

Given we live in the age of crowdfunding, there is literally no way that you’re not going to be able to raise the necessary funds to get your event rolling, right? Well. ‘Rolling’ is perhaps the wrong word, because you will already have the thing in movement before you start wondering where all the money is going to come from. But don’t worry! That step will be solved by the next step, thus creating an ever-escalating series of demands that will absolutely not come crashing down like a house of cards.

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4. Advertise, advertise, advertise!

Get your marketing chops out! Create a quirky, memorable poster, and then use it to oversaturate your Facebook news feed. If the content is good enough, it will only ever go viral.

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5. Downsize

By this stage the bands you have contacted will begin to notice that you don’t actually have any money, and will realise you have all the organisational skills of a headless chicken. They will begin to immediately pull out. But don’t despair. This happens all the time. You merely have to downsize – an easy enough change to implement. After Bragfest ’16 lost the support of Jimi Hendrix (AKA we realised he was dead), altering the lineup was amazingly easy.

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6. Resort to crowdfunding

OK, so sure – you might not currently be making any money. But hey, that was what the internet was designed for, right? Didn’t Amanda Palmer write a whole book about the importance of simply asking for things? There’s no shame in artists and promoters grovelling for money now – no shame at all.

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7. Cancel the festival

Look. You tried. You absolutely did the best you could. There wasn’t anything else that you could have possibly done. Just accept defeat quietly, and with your pride intact. Use your social media accounts in the style of that great innovator and beloved music industry figure AJ Maddah in order to let your devoted followers know that you tried your very best.

Good luck in your festival endeavours, folks. Just remember: you’re doing the right thing, every single step of the way. And don’t deviate from this business model – it’s only worked wonders in the past!

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Main photo courtesy Eva Rinaldi/Flickr

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