In our new Christian Mulls… series, Christian Hull reviews the biggest (and strangest) pop cultural phenomena of our times. 

I’m a 30-year-old gay guy, so it would come as no surprise that from the ages of nine to 13 I was a little obsessed with the Spice Girls. So in love with them that Mum bought me all their merchandise, including the Spice World VHS.

I was like a ‘Directioner’ – one of those next level, batshit insane 1D fans. By the time I got to high school I had moved on. I never spoke of or listened to the Spice Girls again. They seemed to disappear from my mind.

Now I’ve been asked to go back into the vault, relive their music and see if it has stood the test of time. JESUS H CHRIST, WAS IT AMAZING?! I forgot how obsessed I was with them. As soon as I opened the video for ‘Holler’, all the words came flooding out of me like some sort of horrible suppressed memory. I knew every lyric. ‘Holler’ was my favourite song, even if it’s not one most people would remember.

‘Wannabe’ is the song people love the most. I FUCKING HATE IT SO MUCH! It has to be the worst. I’m no music nerd (obviously, as I have chosen to review the Spice Girls – what sane music nerd would choose to do that?) but it has to be said they were a bloody fantastic group.

You know when you loved something as a kid and then when you revisit it as an adult you are shocked at how bad it actually was? For example, I loved Party Of Five and was so excited when a channel started to replay episodes, only to end up questioning entertainment in the late ’90s.

Anyway, I went to the Spice Girls YouTube channel, to find it only has eight videos in total (so upset). I watched them all and here is what I noticed:

  • Their music is still just as enjoyable as when I was nine (to give you an idea of my music taste, Enya was in my top three when I was ten)
  • Baby and Sporty literally sing the majority of the lyrics on almost all the songs
  • The video clip for ‘Holler’ is all of the girls sitting around a table while different men are presented to them. Which is the storyline for Taken. The clip was an actual underground sex ring for women. Not joking!

And how did I not notice that Ginger Spice didn’t sing in ‘Holler’?!

We just need to stop for a moment here, because I didn’t realise that Ginger (Geri Halliwell) actually left the group in May 1998. As an 11-year-old at the time, I must have found boobs so repulsive that I didn’t notice when a pair went missing. ‘Holler’ was released in 2000, so that means I went for at least two years without even knowing she was gone.

I LOVE YOU GERI I’M SO SORRY!

Then I ended up in a click hole of YouTube videos about Geri’s departure. If you want to watch some amazing conspiracy theories about the Spice Girls, type in “Mel B & Gerri’s relationship”.

As an 11-year-old at the time, I must have found boobs so repulsive that I didn’t notice when a pair went missing.

I also watched a bit of Spice World.

Spice World, their movie made in 1997, was the most horrifically amazing film with no actual real plot. It was a mix between Austin Powers and Ab Fab. The girls basically had to get to a concert, and along the way wacky and zany things would happen. It’s got three stars out of ten on iMDB.

But what did we really learn from this review? Not much! I’d invite you to go on Spotify and just re-listen to some of your favourite songs. They are still just as good as they were in the ’90s. The video clips, however – so bad. Can you believe in the late ’90s a star wipe – the scene transitioning via an expanding star shape – was actually a thing?

What I will leave you with is that in the early naughties, some good friends of mine went to a fancy dress party as the Spice Girls. There were only four of them, so one convinced her mother to come along and they called her ‘Old Spice’.

Is it just me, or is that not an actual Spice Girl that needs to be a thing? I see a great brand/talent opportunity.

Christian Hull is a YouTuber who spends most of his time on Grindr and hates human interaction. Find him at youtube.com/artsider.

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