I hate Chris Lynn  and you should too.

If you need help understanding why, here’s 5 no brainer reasons for you.

#1: He can’t bat when it matters

Sure, he looks amazing blasting trundlers and journeymen on the Gabba Highway in the BBL. He will score some of the most thrilling 35s you’ll ever see, but put him up against international cricketers or on pitches that offer the slightest bit of variation and you’ll get a different result. The Chris Lynn result. Out stupidly.

There’s a reason why he averages 19 in T20I and 18 in ODI. It’s because he’s not very good… so can we please stop selecting him for Australia?
Who should we pick instead you ask? Anyone.

Absolutely anyone who has even the slightest semblance of a functioning technique.

#2: His technique. For fuck sake, he has no technique

I get it, today’s game is different to when I was growing up. T20 players are hitting large from ball one. That’s great. But that doesn’t mean they have to look like the number nine from your local RSL club side while they’re doing it.

We are going to have a generation of young cricketers thinking that standing dead still while flailing your arms wildly and hitting the ball in the air is the thing to do. I have a young daughter that’s going to play for Australia (T20 World Champs yiewwww!) one day, and I put my hands over her little eyes whenever Lynn comes out to bat because I don’t want her corrupted.

Chris Lynn batting
Chris Lynn batting

It is so bad that even Jim Maxwell lined him up the other day, in his own dry, inimitable way. He mused “Lynn has a great eye but he doesn’t move his feet. If the ball’s moving he is in big trouble.”

Being sledged by the nicest commentator ever to speak into a microphone is the equivalent of being told to piss off by an old lady after you offer her the last seat on the train.

#3: Every single commentator wants to jerk him off and I can’t understand why

“They’ve got him, the big wicket of Lynn” you’ll hear every single fucking time he golfs one down long on’s throat. Shortly followed by “he will be disappointed by that,” but I digress. The big fish, the key man, the danger man and on and on it goes. When the fuck has he ever played an innings that has won a match (maybe in the IPL but as if anyone in Australia watches that shit) or done anything close that would warrant him to be a key wicket?

Just because he can sock a couple of dingers and score a brisk 17 doesn’t make him a key wicket. But I guess that’s what the watermelon helmet wearing brigade love to see, so the commentators treat him like the second coming.

#4: He’s a fucking Queenslander

What have fucking Queensland done for us lately? Marcus Lasagne and Joe Burns. Fuck me.

Two shitter cricketers you won’t find.

I’ll give them a pass on Matt Renshaw because he actually will be good, but that will take time. They haven’t produced a decent, consistent cricketer since Matt Hayden. And he’s about 50 now and spends his time falling off surfboards.

Our best Queenslander
Our best Queenslander

The Australian selectors constantly ram these fucking no talent Bulls players down our throat. They don’t even like cricket up there. Nobody goes to Tests – the coloured seats aren’t fooling anyone, dickheads – and to drag people in to watch perennial losers the Brisbane Heat they had to build a pool, which I assume is also very useful to the CSIRO after the season finishes so they can research all the new strains of syphilis that grow in it.

Only dopey Queenslanders would want to watch the cricket whilst wading in the filth of the types of people who go to watch the BBL and sit with the plebs in the outer.

#5 : He is the dumbest fucking batsman you’ll ever see

Remember that ODI game a few weeks back when Lynny tonked Rabada for about 20 off the first four balls of an over and then on the next ball tried to go back to the well and gloved one to the keeper?

Or when he opened in G3 of the recent series and we were chasing 320 odd, and on the first ball he flashed at one he had no business playing at and was out for a golden duck?

There’s dozens of examples of him flat out refusing to use his brain while he bats. Fuck it’s making me mad just thinking about it.

So there’s my reasons for hating Chris Lynn, no doubt he will fucking come out and hit 85 off 30 in his next match and make me look like a dickhead and I’ll hate him even more.

But think about this next time you see him chuck his wicket away, hiding in the field, or worse, when the camera pans to him sitting in the dugout because they’ve got the sub on in order to preserve his glass shoulders. Fuck him.

If he didn’t have the good fortune to be around when T20 cricket started making millionaires out of bog average cricketers, he would be selling ice cream like Josh Massoud. And he looks like Roger from American Dad. There I said it.

Chris Lynn cartoon
Cartoon of Chris Lynn