Prefacing this article by admitting that I know nothing about the history of Australian politics. This listicle is purely me objectifying Prime Ministers of the past. If I accidentally call a former-PM with problematic policies a baddie, I am so sincerely sorry, but not sorry enough to educate myself. There are people out there that reckon it’s okay to compare young Stalin to Zayn Malik, and I know I’ll never make a claim as irresponsible as that so what the fuck have I got to lose. I have think-pieces about the new Selena Gomez record that I need to devour and time is of the essence. So without further ado, here are the thottiest Prime Ministers in this country’s history.

7. Young Tony Abbott

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

You know that ‘Treehouse of Horror’ episode of The Simpsons where the two aliens invade earth and impersonate Bill Clinton and Bob Dole? I reckon that the Australian public witnessed that in the flesh over the course of Tony Abbott’s 25-year political career. The man did some chaotically cooked shit. I have included him on this list because for some reason I felt compelled to look up photos of what he looked like in his salad days. I have to admit, there is a charm to young Tony Abbott that I liken to the same demographic of St. Aloysius graduates that grew up in wealthy Kirribilli homes, that then moved to Darlinghurst to attend NAS and began adopting poor aesthetics. The kind of guys that wear one hooped earring, a tastefully stained wifebeater and TNs.

6. John McEwan

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

McEwan had one of the shorter stints in office, serving as Prime Minister from December 19th, 1967 to January 10th, 1968 after the disappearance of Harold Holt — and that’s the first line of his Wikipedia entry gracefully paraphrased for you. This guy is like a subtle rig. He sort of has like a Hacksaw Ridge sensuality to him. Not a main character, but perhaps one you’d see cast in the infirmary with like, a leg that got blown off in a minefield.

5. Alfred Deakin 

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

This guy sort of looks like Oscar Isaac but heaps less attractive. His beard is kind of chat, if more nuanced hair was en vogue back in the early 1900s he probably would have possessed like a Hugh Jackman rugged quality.

4. Bob Hawke

Bob Hawke’s sexuality lies within the potent charm that he radiates. You probably wouldn’t look twice at him if you crossed in the street, but over dinner you’d find yourself gravitating closer and closer to him. There’s a glint in his eye that is so enamouring. He reminds me of Dick Van Dyke in a way I care not to elaborate on.

3. Paul Keating

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

Young Paul Keating could have easily played in a 90s shoegaze band. He exuded the puppy-like quality of Ride. Very hot.

2. Julia Gillard

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

In retrospect, we really didn’t give Julia Gillard enough acknowledgement for her stoic aura. During her tenure, she was treated so abysmally by the media and the public and sometimes it’s the last thing I think about before I go to bed and I am racked with guilt. Julia Gillard has the chicness of those actresses that rose to prominence in the early 90s. Like Julianne Moore or Holly Hunter, the sex appeal isn’t obvious, but blossoms slowly over time. Love you Julia and you deserved better from all of us.

1. Andrew Fisher

Australian Prime Ministers Ranked

I have deadset never heard of this guy in my life but fucking hell isn’t he dashing. God, he’s like Billy Zane in The Titanic. That moustache belongs in The Guggenheim. This man didn’t just peak when he was young either, he carried this sexiness through his whole life. Much like George Clooney or the Pad Kee Mao in my fridge, he only got better with age.

Anyway thanks for reading this garbage ranking of the fuckability of Prime Ministers past. There are a bunch of nationwide protests taking place today demanding climate action from our idle government. These are trying times, find out where you can get involved below.