Like most British teenagers, I burned my student loan travelling on trains around Europe. I dreamed of reading novels and smoking Marlboros in Paris cafes, or having spiritual experiences in Spanish mountains; the reality was more drinking too much ludicrously cheap beer in Prague, avoiding hordes of stag parties in Amsterdam, and being chased through a crowd of tourists by a particularly randy swan in Bruges.
This idealised, romanticised notion of what awaited me in Europe was fuelled by a film: a few months before leaving, I watched Before Sunrise, one of the all-time classic romantic films. In it, an American traveller, Jesse(Ethan Hawke), meets a beautiful French woman, Céline (Julie Delpy), on a train in Europe. After striking up a connection, they decide to spend one night together in Vienna, where they start flirting and falling for each other. Over that night, they discuss life and the world as only a pair of 20-somethings can do. Watching this as an 18-year-old, fresh out of high school in a humdrum Scottish town, the possibilities of Europe seemed so glamorous and enticing.
I decided to watch Before Sunrise again (the film, incidentally, came out just a few months before I was born): oh boy, what a humbling experience. Jesse and Céline’s hideously pretentious and luridly sentimental conversations had me grasping for the sick bucket. Grand declarations of love; banal proclamations on existentialism. It was all too much. And I recognised that 18-year-old me instantly in these naive wannabe intellectuals, grasping at notions of life and love far above my youthful station.
I probably wouldn’t like that idiot version of myself who took off for Europe back in 2013; I definitely didn’t want to meet bloody Jesse and Céline on a train anytime soon. But there’s a reason that Before Sunrise is one of the quintessential 20’s movies: being idealised and romantic, indulging in vaguely intellectual conversations that you fully believe are the definition of deep, are what being in your early 20’s are for. Just, you know, be prepared to cringe when the cynical second half of your 20’s hits. It’s going to happen.
If you can brave it, I collected some of the most hilariously pretentious quotes from the film, ranked from “someone took a Philosophy class at uni, huh” to “dear god, please shut up”.
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8. “Sometimes I dream about being a good father and a good husband. And sometimes it feels really close. But then other times it seems silly like it would ruin my whole life. And it’s not just a fear of commitment or that I’m incapable of caring or loving because… I can. It’s just that, if I’m totally honest with myself I think I’d rather die knowing that I was really good at something. That I had excelled in some way than that I’d just been in a nice, caring relationship.” (Jesse)
Being a proper family man clearly isn’t for Jesse. While it’s perfectly fine to value your career or passions, he sounds too self-righteous and cocky here. By the third film in the trilogy, Before Midnight, Jesse ends up with both a great writing career and the family with Celine and his twin girls. Some people just have all the luck.
7. “Daydream delusion / Limousine Eyelash / Oh, baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me / Sweet cakes and milkshakes / I am a delusion angel / I am a fantasy parade” (Poet)
Alright, so Jesse nor Céline said this one but it’s too good to leave out. The pair meet a charming and lonely poet by the river (disclaimer: don’t expect to find intoxicating artists under the dead of night by European riverbanks in real life), who recalls Dylan Moran’s character from Black Books with his dishevelled suit and loose cigarette. He offers to write them a poem and it’s as spectacularly god-awful as you’d expect: the sort of poem an English Lit major writes for his first girlfriend; more Yikes than Yeats.
6. “Everybody’s parents fucked them up. Rich kid’s parents gave them too much. Poor kids, not enough. You know, too much attention, not enough attention. They either left them or they stuck around and taught them the wrong things.” (Jesse)
Jesse comes off like the ‘All Sides Matter’ rich kid that you unfortunately met at a house party in university who just really, really needed you to know that he had problems too, you know?
5. “You are both stars, don’t forget. When the stars exploded billions of years ago, they formed everything that is this world. The moon, the trees, everything we know is stardust. So don’t forget. You are stardust.” (Palm Reader)
Another non-Jesse and Céline inclusion, the mysterious old palm reader the pair meet technically isn’t wrong about the whole stars thing but, like, chill out a bit. It sounds like something Chris Martin would have deemed too sickly even for Coldplay back in the day. The type of faux-inspirational quote that you see in suburban family homes. I know that Jesse and Celine already paid you, Palm Reader, but be more unique.
4. “I mean, just once, I’d love to see, some little old lady save up all her money, to go to the fortune teller, and she’d get there, all excited about hearing her future, and the woman would say, “Um-humm. Tomorrow, and all your remaining days will be exactly like today. A tedious collection of hours. And you will have no new passions, and no new thoughts and no new travels, and when you die, you’ll be completely forgotten.” (Jesse)
I’m about to be a massive hypocrite because I’ve just mocked the old palm reader but Jesse’s cynical critique of her once she leaves has to be on this list too. The poor thing is just trying to earn a living, mate. Leave her alone. Jesse wouldn’t survive one week on Tinder with all the people into astrology and tarot cards.
3. “Listen, if somebody gave me the choice right now, of to never see you again or to marry you, alright, I would marry you, alright. And maybe that’s a lot of romantic bullshit, but people have gotten married for a lot less.” (Jesse)
I’m pretty sure some idiot has spewed this out on Love Island before. What. A. Line. God love Jesse, he’s really trying to impress Céline here.
2. “OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there were not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there’s, like, two million people on the planet. Now there’s between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? ‘Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth’s time. You know, so at best we’re like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking… I mean, is that why we’re so scattered? You know, is that why we’re all so specialized?” (Jesse)
A thousand apologies for making you read this one. My eyes rolled back in my head so far they almost did a 360 turn. Great poets and philosophers have battled with the existence of souls for centuries and here comes little Jesse walking along, making us feel 5,000 times smaller than we usually do. Nice one, thanks.
1. “Well, I was driving around with this buddy of mine, he was a big atheist, and we came to a stop, next to this homeless guy. And my buddy takes out a 100 dollar bill, and leans out the window, and he says, “Do you believe in God?”. And the guy looks at my friend, and he looks at the money, he says, uh, “Yes, I do”. My friend says, “Wrong answer”, and we drive away.” (Jesse)
Don’t you just want to kick this guy in the face, whoever he is? I’m an atheist and I remember how insufferable I was after reading Richard Dawkins for the first time. But at least I never acted like a despicable YouTube prankster by goading the religious with offers of money. What a loser.
