Hello there. Chances are you and I have never met.But despite the fact I know absolutely nothing about your life, I have made a series of assumptions about you.
I am writing under the impression that you believe the Earth is round, for example, and that you do not believe a clandestine race of lizard people run our society. I make these assumptions not only because they save time, but also because we live on a (round) planet in which most people do not believe a gang of sex witches is watching their every move.
But most is not all, and there are people out there who genuinely believe that the Holocaust was an elaborate ruse (Bobby Fischer), that ancient aliens are responsible for life on Earth (Beck), and that 9/11 was an inside job (Willie Nelson). Some of these people are musicians. Some of them are musicians you like.
1. B.O.B thinks the Earth is flat
“Graduated to a club full of liars / Heliocentrism, you were the sixth victim” are all words that B.O.B thought about before he spoke them aloud.
In a move that will undoubtedly haunt him until the day he is buried under the surface of our absolutely, definitely not flat planet, B.O.B recently released the conspiracy theory anthem to end all conspiracy theory anthems, ‘Flatline’.
Not only does the bizarro work of anti-art contain a challenge directed towards the King of Science, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, it also puts forward the theory that the planet is flat andencourages unsuspecting listeners to check out the work of Holocaust denier David Irving. That’s the whole trifecta of crazy.
2. David Bowie believed a gang of sex witches wanted his sperm
None of the images Google returns when you type the phrase ‘sex witches’ into your search bar are appropriate for our mostly family-friendly website, so I found you a photo of a ‘cat witch’ instead. You’re welcome.
This one’s a little harder to take. Your idol and mine, David Bowie, took to cocaine like a duck to water in the ’70s and ’80s. The white in ‘The Thin White Duke’ wasn’t just a reference to fashion, it seems, and the legend was convinced a group of black witches was after his seed so that they might impregnate themselves with it and raise a demon baby.
We all have our off days, I suppose, although when I’m not myself I tend to eat too much cheese and watch reality television rather than hiring a good witch to perform an exorcism on my testicles.
3. John Lennontotally saw an alien (except for the part where he pretty definitely didn’t.)
I know the above clip, the trailer for the excellent and totally insaneCommunion, bears only a tenuous link to this story, but I spend my life looking for opportunities to talk about the excellent and totally insaneCommunion.
Another legend, another dose of crazy, although to be fair this one comes not from Lennon directly, but via the world’s least trustworthy man. Exposed fraud Uri Geller claims that John Lennon told him (getting the Chinese Whispers vibes already?) that one night Lennon was awoken by aliens who handed him a metal egg-like object.
Wait. Do you think that could be the source of the “I am the egg-man” line in ‘I Am The Walrus’?
No? Good. Me neither.
4. Ariana Grande thinks ghosts are real
Pictured above: the only photo anyone uses when discussing Ariana Grande’s paranormal beliefs.
Think the scariest thing about human chihuahua Ariana Grande is her godawful music? Think again. The miniature psychiatric mess claims to have visited a haunted castle where she took a photo that contained “three super distinct faces…[The] faces of textbook demons”.
Wait, Ariana, do you mean ‘textbook’ as in exemplary, or ‘textbook’ as in these are gremlins that haunt the pages of the overpriced statistics books uni students have to lug around but never read? Cause either way sounds terrifying.
5. Dave Grohl (allegedly) repeatedly claimed there was no link between HIV and AIDS
Another tenuous link, another stunning work of art I never turn down an opportunity to bring up.
I’ve always hated Dave Grohl, ever since my days as a depressed adolescent watching his dumb face grunting away behind Nirvana’s drum kit. But over the years I’ve struggled to pinpoint exactly what about the dude is so reprehensible: for the most part he comes across as grotesquely, horrifically likeable.
That’s why I so enjoyed discovering reports that Grohl apparently genuinely believes that there’s no link between HIV and AIDS. Oh, and Taylor Hawkins, the frequently shirtless Foo Fighters drummer, thinks there’s a link between vaccines and autism. I’d sure love to hear the scientifically sound conversations going on in that tour bus.
6. Gene Simmons thinks Donald Trump is an ‘Upstanding Guy’.
Oh Gene. Sweet, misguided Gene.
I’m going to let this one largely speak for itself. Just read the following quote from CNN, then close your eyes and cast your mind back to a time in which the KISS man appeared to be one of the coolest people on our – say it with me – round planet.
“Donald Trump is a loving family man. His children have turned out terrific. He’s anti-drug, anti-booze. Yeah, guy’s a straight shooter … If you’re talking about the man, he’s an upstanding guy.”
To be fair, Simmons did say that Trump was “better and smarter” than his comments on Mexican immigrants, but implying that our generation’s premier fascist is smarter than anything – even his own wretched dumb hair – is a stretch.
That’s all folks. I’ll see you a-round. (Geddit? That’s a pun. It’s a pun because our earth is round. Not flat.Round. Ya hear that, B.O.B?)