Two Melbourne strangers with a penchant for the good bean juice have spent the past week engaging in a very wholesome war. The two coffee-enthusiasts have been neck and neck, battling it out for the title of Customer of the Week at Collins St cafe, Sensory Lab Coffee.

As The Guardian reports, the feud began on Monday morning, when Fraser Harvey adorned the cafe with a small poster declaring him Sensory Lab’s favourite customer.

This could have been the end of the story, but if ONEFOUR has taught us anything, it’s that retaliation is a must. Two hours after Harvey put up his picture, he returned to the café to discover that another customer had attempted to take his throne. Harvey was met with a framed certificate from an anonymous rival, declaring themselves as  “Customer of the week (Every week)”.

Harvey took to Twitter to throw down the gauntlet at his mystery opponent, “They’ve just made a very unpowerful enemy,” he wrote.

The Thermopylae-like battle only increased in its intensity. Harvey came in the next day with his own, much larger frame.

Harvey probably felt quite smug about his ignorantly large frame, until he returned to discover his devilish opponent had somehow installed a projector and blasted her face across the walls of the café. We have to hand it to Sensory Lab, most café’s probably wouldn’t allow their carefully curated Muji-core minimalism to be tarnished by this utter silliness but they seem to have a sense of humour.

On Thursday, Harvey returned with a crippling blow. He rocked up to the café with Fraser Harvey Loyalty Programme cards, and shirts for the staff emblazoned with his face.

“I think that I can speak on behalf of the staff too when I say that I am certainly No 1 now,” he told The Guardian.

“A lot of people are asking me why it’s a memorial program when I’m still alive. It’s gravitas. Really commands the respect of the other customers.”

Well, he spoke too soon. His anonymous opponent came through wielding a battle-ending swing – a permanent tattoo of a Sensory Lab coffee cup. It is single-handedly the most fantastically petty thing I have ever witnessed. Permanently marking your body to prove a point, I can not usher ENOUGH respect their way.

Harvey’s mystery opponent has since revealed herself as urban planner Harriet Noall, who works above the cafe.

“I definitely thought I had won with the projector,” she shared. “I was pleasantly surprised by the fact that he came back with the shirts and cards. I thought that might have been the end of it, but I had this overwhelming urge to one-up him once again.”

Nothing but respect for my Harriet.