Can Idris Elba save The Dark Tower… from itself?

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed … maybe?

Approaching Nikolaj Arcel’s fatally flawed 95 minute abridgment of Stephen King’s 4,250 page horror-western-fantasy opus (not to mention the many other Tower references and outright cross-overs throughout King’s work), we already knew this wasn’t going to be a strict retelling of the source material. It was spoken of in terms of sequels… and given the original story arc, sure, you could sketch this premise with a shaky hand in a pitch-black room and call it The Dark Tower. Sure you could.

When Idris Elba was cast in the film, there was an inevitable flurry of disdain. A black man playing a white role – gasp! Just as the Tower itself is the linchpin of all worlds, so too is Roland Deschain (of Gilead That Was, Last of the Line of Eld) the linchpin of the series, and Elba brings a splendid blend of myth, nobility and fatigue to the role. His quest is… well, here is the first major divergence from the series, but far from the last. Through circumstances even further removed from their original motivations, he is blindly pursuing Walter O’Dim (Matthew McConaughey), the Man In Black – also known as Randall Flagg, for fans of The Stand – who is in turn abducting children born with the Shine (Redrum! Redrum!) to bring about the collapse of the Tower.

Why Walter is doing this is largely unexplored; ditto the significance of the Tower itself, and who dwells inside. Roland is assisted (kind of?) by Jake, played by relative newcomer Tom Taylor. Despite the thinly-developed camaraderie of their characters, the pair have exceptional performance chemistry. Would that the same could be said for Elba and McConaughey. To be fair, they share precious little screen time together, but McConaughey brings such somnambulism to his performance it’s hard to believe the dreadful awe he is supposed to inspire. There’s little personality here, and you suspect McConaughey is just phoning it in for the paycheck.

Imagine, say, Star Wars, but with no Death Star. And it’s not actually set in space.

The creature design is another low-point. The rat-like Can-Toi (Walter’s underlings) are laughable, and a creature that pursues Jake through an abandoned amusement park is every generic lizard monster you’ve ever seen. The Dutch Hill Mansion? Forget about it.

It’s not fidelity to the books that fuels my disappointment. It’s that there is next to no connection to the original story beyond very broad brush strokes. Imagine, say, Star Wars, but with no Death Star. And it’s not actually set in space. And none of the characters bear any resemblance to what we know; Darth Vader is Luke’s sidekick, Yoda and Chewbacca are somehow brothers. The Dark Tower takes all of the labels of King’s story, dumps them into a heap, sets fire to the pile, and what remains is arranged into the movie we have today. It’s a standard, middle-of-the-road sci-fi action flick, but it isn’t The Dark Tower. It’s just a forgettable way to kill some time.

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