The lonesome blues of Valentine’s Day have once again reared their ugly head and we’re throwing a pity party.
The temptation to torture ourselves tapping through Instagram stories of couples fawning over each other and their prerequisite burrata dishes until we’re projected into abject numbness is hard to resist. We must, for the sake of our souls, overcome this miserable seduction.
This Valentine’s Day, I implore you to throw yourself a grand celebration of self-debasement. I want you to completely surrender yourself to feeling like an unloveable piece of shit.
To celebrate all things feeling bad, I’ve put together a list of my favourite movies to indulge in this dreaded Valentine’s Day.
Braindead dir. Peter Jackson
Peter Jackon’s 1992 splatstick zombie comedy is the most deliciously gory, festering romance in the bad taste canon. It’s balls-to-the-wall insanity, a constant stream of blood and guts that doesn’t hold back on the camp. I’m gobsmacked that somebody watched this film and thought that this was the director they’d trust with a $90 million adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.
Watch on Youtube
Brief Encounter dir. David Lean
Now for a bit of earnesty. David Lean’s 1945 classic is astonishing. A masterful dissection of a doomed emotional affair between two, middle-aged married people. Based on Noël Coward’s play Still Life, it’s agonising and terrifically beautiful. Backed by exquisite, restrained performances by Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard.
Watch on The Criterion Channel
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind dir. Michel Gondry
We’ve all seen it, pored over it, littered our respective Tumblr’s with subtitled screenshots as melancholy, sentimental teens — but it never seems to grow tired. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is Charlie Kaufman at his best. On paper, a film that chronicles the demise of love should not replenish our romantic fatigue, but it does. It’s human, it’s magic, it’s a perfect forever movie.
Watch on Amazon Prime
Marie Antoinette dir. Sofia Coppola
Lost In Translation is Sofia Coppola’s chef-d’œuvre, but Marie Antoinette is the perfect tonic for those unwitting to lean into melancholy. A visually sumptuous, perfectly-paced historical romp that doesn’t really concern itself with history. Kirstin Dunst in the titular role is beguiling and Jason Schwartzman’s portrayal of the limp-dicked Louis XVI is a joy to behold.
Watch on Netflix
Scenes from a Marriage dir. Ingmar Bergman
If you adored Noah Baumbach’s Marriage Story may I direct you to quite possibly the most expert study of divorce to ever grace the silver screen. Psychologically challenging — it’s the kind of haunting realism that stays with you long after the credits roll. Originally conceived as a five-hour, six-part television miniseries, Ingmar Bergan also produced a three-hour theatrical cut. If you’re a sick freak that gets off on enacting emotional terror on oneself like I, go for the six-part miniseries.
Watch on The Criterion Channel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6qrTm_-U9Y&ab_channel=AccentFilmEntertainment
Harold and Maude dir. Hal Ashby
Hal Ashby’s absurdist love story between a 20-year-old, death-obsessed Harold Chasen and a 79-year-old Nazi concentration camp survivor Maude is a profoundly-touching hoot. If that bizarre synopsis hasn’t aroused interest, I don’t know what will. It’s wacky and tender and will leave you feeling a little more in love with life. It’s also soundtracked by the excellent Cat Stevens.
Watch on Amazon Prime
Call Me By Your Name dir. Luca Guadagnino
Timothée Chalamet is so hot.
Watch on Netflix
Wendy and Lucy dir. Kelly Reichardt
A quiet masterpiece. Wendy and Lucy paints a deft portrait of the kindness and callousness of those across the economic divide. Wendy, an untethered economic migrant, finds herself stranded in a small Oregon town whilst en route to Alaska in the hopes of finding work in a cannery. Wendy’s car breaks down, and her dog Lucy goes missing. The plot is minimalist, the politics heavy.
Watch on Prime Video
