Exactly 225,000 humans will be watching three Ed Sheeran gigs at Sydney Olympic Park this week, which will no doubt put extra strain on our already-buckling transit system.
With hundreds of thousands of people all attempting to get to the same place at roughly the same time, Sydney trains, buses, ferry services, Sydney Olympic Park buses, and light rail services — not to mention surrounding car parks, and roads — will be pushed to the max.
This amount of people, of all ages and demographics, in such a footy-sized space will no doubt cause tempers to fray, anger to erupt, and that long-buried argument between you and your friend Jess about the lounge in the garage she accidentally gave away despite it belonging to your Nan, to come back around again in full swing.
We want you to have an excellent time at whichever of the three Ed Sheeran shows you were conscripted to serve at, so follow these tips, and you’ll have a great evening of amplified acoustic mayhem!
Get there nice and early
If you are attending tonight’s show, you should probably already be there. Alternatively, you will have filled a sleeping bag with jumpers and balloons, fashioned into a crude body shape, in order to reserve your spot at the front of the queue.
Take advantage of alternative transport systems
Ed Sheeran has requested on more than one occasion that his biggest Australian fans arrive at his shows riding Razor Scooters, as a clever cross-cultural nod to both the Razor Gangs that permeated Sydney in the 1920s, and the scooter gang he formed in high school in London with his mates Barkie, Chaz, and Gareth. If you don’t own a Razor Scooter, Ed has indicated he is okay with off-brand scooters, as long as the handlebars can neatly slide or fold into the body of the scooter. Any vehicle that fails to fold into itself will be confiscated, plus your ticket will be void, and your CD copy of Divide (so retro!) will be shattered upon sight.
Remember, Patience is a Gunners song, not a virtue
Ed Sheeran fans tend to be polite and respectful in queuing situations. This is where you should take advantage by pushing to the front of drinks lines, food queues, and especially the bathroom line. If you are a girl, always use the guys’ bathroom, as the usage ratio will be roughly 1:2,500, not to mention the significantly lessened average time per pee (ATPP). There will be piss on the seats, however, and no toilet paper, but you did pack Wet-Ones didn’t you? You don’t actually refer to them as ‘Wet-Ones’ though, do you?
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Ed is short-sighted, so keep your signs and banners simple
One underrated aspect of going to an arena concert is the thrill of preparing your colourful cardboard poster, working out what to write on it, cutting out pictures from whatever Smash Hits mag you have handy, getting glitter glue in your eyes (stop rubbing them!) and wondering whether Ed will squint, point, and acknowledge your sign, and its message of everlasting love. Unfortunately, Ed is quite shortsighted — he once thought he was pretending to date Margot Robbie for months, but it turned out to actually be Taylor Swift — so keep your signs simple: use the darker-coloured connector-pens, easily distinguishable symbols such as the love heart, and the Stussy symbol, and be sure to light the edges of your sign on fire with the aid of a mild accelerant – this should do the trick.
Sing along to every song
Remember, nothing proves that you are the ultimate Ed fan more than singing along to every single lyric from every single song, so make it count. Pitch and volume-control shouldn’t be an issue, either, as even a high-C when split across tens-of-thousands of voice boxes sounds close enough to being in tune. Plus, Ed ain’t hitting any high-C, so don’t stress. Remember, due to budgetary restrictions, Ed can only travel with carry-on luggage, meaning he’ll only have his trusty acoustic guitar, and an SM57. So he’ll need your help fleshing this out into a proper arena concert. Don’t let him down!
If you are drinking, make sure you drive home on the back roads
We all know you can’t really enjoy ‘Castle On The Hill’ without a few light beers under your belt, so if you find yourself in the precarious position of having to then drive home with two mild ales souping around in your brain, make sure you take the back streets home. The police don’t know about these roads (they only take highways) and you’ll be less likely to cause a car accident. Remember, safety first. Alternatively, get a police scanner.
Remember, have fun
Sure, all the songs sound similar, and you’ll be watching him on a big blurry screen while someone sweats Lynx Africa on you, but this is where you wanted to be. Be here now. And leave before the second encore and save yourself three hours crammed on a stationary train while muffled conductors yell at you, and strangers blame you and specifically you for the crush.
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BONUS TIP FOR PARENTS
So, you’ve been dragged along to this gig, and you’re disgusted at how mild this generation’s musical tastes are? You once fucked the guitarist for Roxus, remember? Well, your friend Jess did, but you pashed the bassist. Anyway, use your child’s love of acoustic sorcery as a gateway drug into Simon and/or Garfunkel, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, Liz Phair, ‘Thirteen’ by Big Star, the rest of Big Star, and ‘Two Coffins’ by Against Me! if you’re feeling contemporary.
