I was in Brisbane recently for the Brisbane Comedy Festival, and one thing I noticed is Queenslanders love to shit on Sydney. They tell us we have no nightlife, it’s too expensive, and we’re all up ourselves.
But those people are all forgetting one thing: the 2000 Sydney Olympics. Ever heard of that, Brisbane? Ring any bells, Gold Coast?
Next time someone says Sydney sucks, just take a long slurp of beer from your plastic schooner and say, “Three words: Nikki Webster, bitch.” Then watch as a flood of memories wash over this snarky, probable cane toad. Their eyes will well with tears as the 2000 Olympics Opening Ceremony replays in their head. Nikki on the high wires. Tina Arena belting out the memorable hit ‘The Flame’ (c’mon, we all remember that song…). The passion. The glory. The monorail!
When confronted with the majesty of the 2000 Sydney Olympics, anyone from another city will be forced to concede that yes, Sydney is the best. And in the 17 years since, things have only gotten better. Nikki Webster’s career has skyrocketed with memorable hits such as ‘Strawberry Kisses’ and being in FHM once. The CBD is a bustling hub every Friday and Saturday night with long queues of people lining up for… Ubers to the Inner West.
OK, fine. I’ll admit it. We peaked too soon. The 2000 Sydney Olympics were nearly 20 years ago, and we let it get to our heads. Look at us! When the Doughnut Time on Glebe Point Road is closing down due to the lockout laws, you know your city is fucked.
And I think I have a solution: we need to abandon the city and start over.
The 30-somethings had the right idea five or six years ago. We’ll follow them out to Parramatta and start a new Sydney. There’s no time to waste. We need to act quick! Before natural gentrification beats us! Pack only what you can carry: sleeping bags, Macbooks, Nespresso machines and if someone can torrent the latest Walking Dead episode that’d be great.
And yes, I can hear your concerns already: Cameron, what about Newtown? Don’t worry, I have a solution. We get some of those big, wide trucks that you sometimes see carrying demountable buildings around, and we load up Young Henrys, Mary’s and Cream on King and take these buildings with us. We set up a brand new Inner West inside an industrial warehouse that’s part dog park, part cafe, part gallery space. Because Newtown isn’t just a location, man. It’s a state of mind.
“But Cameron, what’s going to happen to the old Sydney?” Relax, I’ve thought of that too. We leave it for the ibises to inhabit. They’ve been slowly taking it over anyway – let’s just give it to them as a peace offering and hope they won’t follow us west.
It’s time for a new Sydney. A better Sydney. A Sydney with fewer Pie Face locations, no lockout laws, and where it’s always the 2000 Olympics Opening Ceremony.
Cameron James is a stand-up comedian.
You can follow him on Twitter at @iamcameronjames, or in the streets.
