At this point, I’m convinced that all Americans want to die. KFC has just revealed that they will be trialling a ‘Fried Chicken Donut Burger’ across forty of their US stores.
Honestly, in this dire climate crisis where it feels like all the damage we’ve put our beautiful earth through feels irreversible, we may as well royally cock up our vital organs my ingesting one of these.
There are two variants of this beastly creation. The first, a burger that precariously holds one of their fantastically seasoned chicken fillets between two glazed donuts; the other, a basket that marries chicken on the bone with a side of donuts. Both equally adept in destroying your arteries.
It gets more gluttonous, a press release has revealed that the donuts used in this carbuncle will arrive at stores already cooked, and when a customer decides to order them the donuts will take a quicky tip in the fryer and be glazed with vanilla icing to ensure supreme freshness.
I just, genuinely don’t understand how this burger is legal. Like how did this pass any food safety standards? Do you remember when Hungry Jacks released that absolute abomination that was the Angry Angus? The burger that recklessly combined deep-friend onion rings, two slices of cheese, two beef patties and many rashers of bacon? The burger that contained over one and a half times the daily salt target for adults? Remember how the nation rallied to slap the bastard with a health warning? Does America not have the same concern for their personal temples?
It truly epitomises the live fast, die young spirit. A part of me respects the sheer nihilism on display here by our dear friend Colonel Sanders.
In other KFC-adjacent news, Australian fans of finger licken’ chicken have the opportunity to wed in one of their stores. The franchise are giving six lucky couples the opportunity to bless their union to the sweet sounds of eleven herbs and spices.
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