“I still feel like a creep for liking girls,” my female friend said to me the other day. She’s 28 years old and has been out since she was 15. Her family have been accepting and supportive, her friends haven’t treated her differently – all things considered, her coming out was not as traumatic as it could have been. So why does she feel like a predator for having same-sex attractions?
Unsurprisingly, a lot has been said about this issue throughout social forums full of women who dig other women. The standout theory right now is that we’ve all internalised the male gaze, which is seen as predatory and creepy, and because we’re women, we’ve been on the receiving end of this gaze, which can often feel predatory and creepy.
Being gay women, however, puts us in a strange position. There is nowhere in our culture where I can learn about how to look at or size up a woman that isn’t objectifying, or that doesn’t somehow subscribe to the more damaging behaviours of the male gaze. As gay women, we have uncomfortably inserted ourselves behind those eyeballs instead of in front of them, and it can make us feel unworthy.
The good news is, being a massive creeper isn’t about liking someone, it’s about entitlement. If you feel entitled to somebody else’s body with or without their permission, you’re a predatory shit.
Being attracted to someone is not the same as violating them. Not even in the same universe.
So – your gay-as-all-hell attraction is not evidence of some inner rot that will repel other women once they’re aware of it. It’s natural and largely neutral in how it develops (it’s not like it asks you permission). Attraction develops without our consent; we can choose to do with that what we will. It’s important to remind ourselves that we don’t exist in a vortex of perversions, and that being attracted to someone is not the same as violating them. Not even in the same universe.
Along with theories of the male gaze and how much of a crap fit it is for a woman looking at other women, it would be remiss of me not to talk about the perception of deceit, a cornerstone of shame. While we’ve got a society that is ill-suited to our desires, we make it work. We make do with what we’ve got. At the same time, to exist in this world we – usually – must first deceive.
As a closeted person, you’ve got to pretend to be straight and do the hetero hop until you feel it’s time and/or it’s safe for you to come out and be who you are. During this closeted phase, your crushes will come and go, usually unrequited, because y’know, you don’t wanna blow your cover. So you’ve got all this guilt and shame slowly building up with every stolen glance at a pretty girl or sexual fantasy you conjure up that isn’t hetero-certified.
You of course would assume that your sexual attraction to somebody will repulse them because you aren’t normal and how dare you suggest that they aren’t normal either. Also, the idea that you are objectifying them when you have no right (because of not being heterosexual) to do so is a big weight on your shoulders.
All this amounts to the feeling of, “I’m not worth loving or being loved, because I’m a predator and a creep.” It’s bullshit, and it’s easy to say that it’s bullshit, but harder to feel that it’s bullshit.
This is something I’ve struggled with for years. I still have the odd gross feeling bubble to the surface now and then, and must remind myself that I ought not to feel creepy just for liking someone. I’ll save that particular self-criticism for when I’m hiding in the bushes out the front of my crush’s house at 2am.
This Week
On Sunday May 7, head over to Sydney Park in St. Peters to celebrate Family Pride – International Family Equality Day. Much like Fair Day, this event is a fete meant to celebrate all the possible combinations of the queer modern family. It’ll be a great opportunity to connect with other community members and politicians who will be in attendance. There will of course be plenty to do, with marquee stalls, live music, arts and crafts and other entertainment goodies. This event is hosted by non-profit organisation Rainbow Families. Admission is free.
For The Diary
On Sunday May 14, get down to the Stonewall Hotel on Oxford Street for an endless parade of Eurotrash-tastic music and good vibes with a live viewing of Eurovision 2017. The party will be hosted by the beautiful Tora Hymen, and dressing up and singing along is basically mandatory. Entry is free.
Also, on Saturday May 20, Heaps Gay is throwing a BYO Private Warehouse Party. There are no lockouts, with intimate party vibes and BYO whatever you want. Music from Melbourne’s Sugar Fed Leopards alongside local pals Luen, Nic Kelly and Smithers, plus art, drag and performances by Lucia Hayes, Akashic and Matt Grant. Tickets are presale only and with a limited capacity, you’d better grab ’em soon.
