As someone socialised to navigate through heterosexual spaces, I never considered that one day I’d have to readjust so much of my perspective and my behaviours to safely (and without offending anyone) navigate through homosexual ones.
A lot of what I was taught growing up – whether it was directly through my parents or indirectly through whatever social rules I absorbed by consuming media – centred around how to protect oneself and one’s virtue from men.
Part of this defensive default is instinctual, of course; you usually learn pretty early what’s OK and what’s a little bit off.
I learned how to be assertive with men and was taught chiefly by my mother that I had an absolute right to my own body that nobody could take away.
She’d warn me about how boys could be pushy when they wanted sex and that it was most important, above all, to remain vigilant around them.
I remained vigilant around them like it was my calling. I found it easy to say ‘no’ to men or tell them when they were making me uncomfortable. I knew I could rely on my friends to back me up if I told them that somebody was making me uncomfortable. I knew, for the most part, that I was lucky enough to be taken seriously when I expressed that I felt unsafe or violated.
I knew all this because I was taught to navigate heterosexuality this way. Women are supposed to stay untouched as long as possible, all the while fending off hungry men.
I was told that that was just the way of the world and it was unfair but, y’know, life ain’t fair.
You can imagine my surprise when I realised I had absolutely zero learned defences against women who made me feel uncomfortable.
I grew up never knowing that women were capable of being rapists, sexual abusers, creeps or whatever kind of predator. Growing up, I never saw women as useful to be suspicious of – it seemed silly.
When some of my friends during high school formed relationships with much older women, I didn’t think it was creepy or strange. I thought different rules applied to gay people. I thought that women couldn’t rape other women, so what did it matter that a 15-year-old was dating a 30-something woman?
Last year I was at a queer event in Redfern. Most of my friends were around and we were at a bar, chatting and celebrating. A woman known to us all approached the bar. She was much older and was chatting to us about business. As she did this, she continually put her hand on the small of my back.
I was surprised at how intensely angry I felt. I felt helpless to say anything, so I tried to squirm out of her way. She then grabbed my thigh and rubbed it and I finally said, “You can talk to me without touching me,” and she looked gobsmacked.
She passed it off as a joke and the people around us laughed. It wasn’t a big deal. She wasn’t being inappropriate because women can’t be inappropriate like that. Women can’t be predators; what she was doing was perfectly harmless.
In hindsight I wished I had done more than just sit there seething, but to be honest, hearing people laughing at the situation, thereby diminishing its seriousness, made me feel a lot less like pursuing this small piece of justice for myself.
I didn’t know how to say ‘no’, and I have thought a lot about this ever since. We don’t often speak of the flaws in our communities because we want to protect them from arseholes who will use those flaws as an excuse to oppress us further or alienate us even more.
The members of the queer community don’t need to be told that the abuse they experience is because they’re queer, and I think that’s where this fear comes from.
It’s easy to stamp it down and pretend like everything is OK, but we need to recognise that it’s time to learn how to say ‘no’.
This Week:
On Thursday January 19, The Shift Club presents Lay’d Girls. It’ll be a classic showgirl extravaganza, starring Polly Petrie, Annie Mation and their new cast member Fran Giapanni featuring DJ Kirby on the decks. Free entry!
On Saturday January 28, the Imperial Hotel is hosting Yo! Sissy, the Sydney incarnation of Berlin’s international queer music festival. Yo! Sissy is bringing some of its favourite artists from the German capital and pairing them up with hometown favourites in Melbourne and Sydney. Yo! Sissy focuses on bridging the gap between established performers and up-and-coming superstars highlighting female and trans* identified talent. The current lineup includes JD Samson [above], Fritz Helder, Pansy & Scout, Sullivanand of course local legends Stereogamous. Tickets are available now.
