I’ve noticed a trend in the queer community over the last few years that has been hard to ignore: the proliferation of non-monogamy as a ‘cool’ state of being.
Non-monogamous relationships have been on the uptick in mainstream mentions, so it would follow that they’re being more widely discussed and practised throughout queer circles than ever before.
It’s easy to dismiss non-monogamy based on a thousand different moral arguments – but realistically, if consenting adults enter an arrangement that hurts nobody, there’s not much you can say against it that holds up.
But non-monogamy as a concept isn’t so much what I want to discuss this week. I’m more curious about all the new cultural capital that non-monogamy has gained, and how that has manifested as social pressure.
Since monogamy is seen as traditionalist and therefore stuffy and repressive, there have been countless ways to rail against it. Non-monogamists might be feeling smug having been finally validated for their sexual and romantic world view and practices, but where does this leave the monogamists? Are we brushing them off as relics of a heteronormative past we want nothing to do with?
Lesbians are stereotyped to be looking for commitment; increasingly I’m meeting plenty of them who are either into or up for exploring non-monogamous relationships. Something that would have drawn audible gasps from my circle of friends eight years ago is now just another way to be – it’s on its way to normalisation.
On the one hand, it’s great not having to defend or explain that my own non-monogamous relationship is just as committed and full of love as a monogamous one (though I’d say that communication about serious stuff is executed with much more finesse and frequency, by necessity). The other hand has a death grip on what it means to be committed, wholly and with restriction, to one person forever – how does this fit into our changing culture of what’s normal?
More interestingly, it’s clear that no camp has it ‘right’. There are trials and pains and successes for both monogamists and non-monogamists. All in all, the developments of this cultural phenomenon have been positive – it seeks to understand the nature of relationships and asks what can be improved, and points out that no one way is the correct way. It’s pretty cool.
Speaking of cool though, I do think that the new ‘coolness’ of non-monogamy can be damaging. You’ve got irresponsible, narcissistic fuckwits treating people like garbage under the guise of polyamory or non-monogamy or whatever feeble excuse they use to justify any conduct that lacks integrity. It’s manipulative and makes my skin crawl.
Both parties need to agree for non-monogamy to work. If your partner wants to be open and you know in your heart of hearts you’re not like that, prepare for a fire stream of a thousand slow deaths.
If one partner slowly withers away emotionally, battered by painful thoughts of their partner’s tenderness and playtime with others, something is wrong. This isn’t about compromise – unlike most things it’s black and white, and it should be a simple concept to grasp.
Non-monogamy cannot be forced. Both partners must agree to it for it to work and both should desire it. There’s no point in sacrificing your heart and soul so your partner can happily and innocently eat ten different pussies while you grit your teeth and pretend you’re fine with it. You’re not one of those stuffy, uncool monogamists, you’re progressive and forward-minded, you can deal with it!
Except you can’t.
You’ll tolerate it until you hit self-destruct on the relationship and blow it all to hell – that is, of course, unless your pain has hardened and calcified into total paralysis and entropy. Then you’ll just be dead inside and your partner will continue to do things that brutalise your soul, without necessarily knowing it.
Forcing yourself to be non-monogamous to avoid being perceived as close-minded makes about as much sense as forcing yourself to be straight to avoid being perceived as a pervert. Don’t do things that make you unhappy, it ain’t cool.
[Main image: courtesy Valerie Everett – Flickr, photo above:courtesy Wikimedia Commons]
This Week:
On Wednesday April 5, get on down to Slyfox in Enmore for Birdcage: Starstruck. A night of glamorous filth awaits, hosted by The Magda Szubanskis and featuring DJs Pineapple Pineapple, Cunningpants, Nicholas Birdcage and more. Entry is free.
On Friday April 7, Better Read Than Dead in Newtown is hosting a launch for the queer magazine Butch Is Not A Dirty Word. The publication celebrates butch identity and culture, and this issue focuses on the family with a series of essays and images exploring the topic. Speakers and performers include Michelle Ring, Sam King, Esther Godoy, Madelaine Imber, Kait Fenwick and Phoebe Adams. This event requires registration – tickets are $5 on the door.
On Saturday April 8, make your way to the Imperial Hotel in Erskineville for Girlthing featuring Sveta, HipHopHoe, Girlthing DJs, Fox Force II, Cunningpants, Evie va Voom, Porcelain Alice and more to be announced. Tickets are available now.
