This is how long South Park’s Cartman’s prison sentence would be

South Park is a great TV show but let’s face it: Cartman is evil incarnate. A primary school kid with the adult mind of a raging sociopath, he’s the dark heart of the animation. 

Over 314 episodes, he’s racked up quite the list of crimes, including kidnapping, attempted murder, piracy, and terrorism. It’s quite the rap sheet.

Have you ever wondered how long Cartman’s prison sentence would be in real life? Thanks to one plucky YouTuber, we now know the answer.

Blooms makes a lot of South Park-oriented videos – including one exploring the psychology of Cartman – and his latest sees him working out how long the most prolific criminal in cartoon history would spend in prison.

“So I think it’s fair to say that Cartman has committed a lot of crimes,” he says understatedly at the beginning of the video. While undertaking their gargantuan task, Blooms notes that Cartman was being tried as an adult as “he clearly has the mental capacity” of one. They also used Colorado laws for all of the crimes apart from the ones committed outside the state (such as his piracy adventure in Somalia).

First up is murder: Blooms acknowledges that Cartman has murdered people a fair few times on the show but uses the clearest example of when he electrocuted a bunch of Mexicans to death. The verdict? First degree murder according to Colorado laws.

Cartman’s time as a prostitute brings a maximum sentence of six months; manslaughter for accidentally killing poor Kenny comes with a maximum sentence of six years; his repeated genocides of different groups gives him a federal death penalty charge.

After Blooms exhaustively goes through the rest of Cartman’s crimes, the big reveal comes. “And on account of being found guilty of each and every single one of these charges, you are hereby sentenced to three federal death penalties, two life sentences, 273 years in prison or jail, seven years of mandatory parole, and you have to become a registered sex offender,” Blooms says.

That seems about fair. South Park‘s 25th season started last month, which means Cartman’s long list of crimes is definitely going to get much longer. Check out Blooms’ in-depth video below and be reminded just why Kyle hates Cartman so much.

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