‘The Bachelors’ episodes 4-7 recap

Welcome back to the second week of being punched in the face by this TV show. Not only is The Bachelors airing FOUR times a week, but the presence of Felix on my TV screen this frequently is causing vocal damage from the amount of times I’ve thrown up in my mouth.

Episode four opens on Jed playing a self-indulgent drum solo at the bach pad where the other two are hanging out, A.K.A. the most tactless thing a drummer can do. Over at the mansion, Tash apologises to Jess, which turns out to be bullshit as she then gives an in-the-moment interview where she may as well be quoting Gretchen Wieners from Mean Girls – “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it that I’m popular!”

Felix’s group head for Wet ‘n’ Wild (how very Gold Coast), Jed’s group enjoy a pamper session, and Thomas’ group do some wellness stuff. Thomas says he’s found a way to be “high on life naturally” and we’ll just brush past the fact that by “naturally”, he means via medically debunked diet smoothies from his health cult. Thomas’ date is agonisingly woo-woo and if a man ever takes me on a date like this, you better believe I’ll be sneaking a flask in my purse.

Later at the mansion for a BBQ, Felix’s group asks him to be more respectful after he again hooks up with Tilly in a group setting. Felix, who looks like he uses the word “lit” far too frequently, defends himself by saying “Someone in my group has a boyfriend, and I’m not off put by that!” *Rewinds film* I dunno man, it seems like you were pretty off-put???

At the rose ceremony, Yuri stops Felix to say, “There are certain qualities I desire in a man which you don’t possess”, before peacing out of there. Yuri is a queen who won’t be caught dead begging for crumbs from this mediocre man, and I am HERE FOR IT.

We say goodbye to Marnie and the Jess we’ve barely seen. Controversially, Jasmine has realised she doesn’t want drummer boy, but would instead prefer pyramid scheme man (the two worst superheroes in history?), and receives a rose from Thomas. While I agree Thomas might seem like the lesser of three evils, I invite you to drink every time he says the words “energy”, “soul” or “spiritual”, and then ask yourself if you can really afford to be that drunk on an ongoing basis.

Tash, CJ and Marjorie behave as if Thomas giving Jasmine a rose is the biggest conspiracy since the grassy knoll. Their rage spills into the next episode, where we see the three of them voluntarily leaving the mansion, with Tash giving us the immortal words “I’m not the bitch, (Jasmine’s) the bitch!” Sick burn.

Jed, who is basically some cool pants attached to a man at this point, takes Alesia to a single date in the woods where he plays a drum solo and complains about how hard it was growing up as a straight cis white man who dresses flamboyantly (*eye roll into infinity*). Alesia opens up about the hardships she faced growing up as protector for her brother who has Down’s Syndrome, to which Jed essentially says, “Yeah, I can relate. I too have a brother.”

There’s a beachside group date where Krystal and Felix run fully clothed into the ocean, plus single dates between Kiki and Thomas, and Jess and Felix. The latter end up back at the bach pad where we learn Felix doesn’t know how to make tea. It’s giving “I bring my clothes home for Mum to wash every weekend.”

At the rose ceremony, Jenae is sent packing. As she climbs into the limo, she says, “Can we put the heater on? My nipples are so hard, I’m about to key the car”, and I feel robbed that we didn’t see more of this legend.

Episode six revolves around the ladies getting visits from their best friends. Despite there being many people on this date, we barely see any of their interactions because the edit is entirely focused on the fact that Jess’ visitor is her partner Damien and, as you can imagine, the vibes are weird.

Jess then catches up one-on-one with Damien where it becomes increasingly obvious that rather than this being the first ethically non-monogamous relationship we’ve seen on The Bachelor, instead we’re witnessing a woman with a backup plan who has come on the show to see if she likes Felix better. I’m starting to think Jess should have gone to therapy to figure out what she wants rather than work this shit out on national television but hey, each to their own.

On Krystal and Felix’s date, there’s barely any screen time given to one of the only women of colour, as Felix continues to obsess over Jess. Zara leaves the mansion despite the fact Jess has still not made up her mind, all while I cry into my wine in frustration.

When episode seven arrives, we see single dates at a burlesque show between Felix and Tilly, Thomas and Lauren, and Angela and Jed. Lauren, who I’m convinced didn’t exist until this episode, “surprises” Thomas (this happens a lot) by being aware of her own autonomy. Lauren knows this is a two-way street and doesn’t twist herself into a pretzel to impress him – we love it!

Back at the bach pad, Felix and Tilly release some of their sexual tension and it would be called dry humping if it weren’t occurring in a pool. Lauren and Thomas try to have a romantic glass of wine in the pool too, despite the frankly disgusting-looking making out going on mere metres away. I think it’s time someone tells Felix how to kiss because it’s approaching cannibalism.

Then comes a group date at a distillery where Krystal raises questions about whether Tilly and Felix had sex on their date. We don’t love to see a woman pressure another woman into disclosing information about her sex life which she obviously doesn’t want to share. I’m reminded of our feminist queen Abbie Chatfield and the historically villainised edits we see on reality TV of women who are openly sexual. Tilly is getting the Abbie edit because she clearly wants to have sex with the man she’s been dating for weeks – God forbid!!!!

At the rose ceremony, we say goodbye to Naomi and Eboni, another woman of colour who has had next to no screen time. Just as we’re being set up to believe Krystal and Tilly will supply the drama for next week’s episodes, Tash strolls back onto our screens and, much like that Flight Centre ad I’ve seen 24 times this episode, I am thinking “FFS not again.

Imogen Clark is an AIR Award-nominated indie singer-songwriter from Sydney. Her latest single, the cathartic ‘Compensating’, is out now.