Well, well, well, if it isn’t 2023 descending upon us like that god-forsaken helicopter ride in a single date immediately before some poor girl’s heart gets crushed. And what better way to bring in the new year than a brand new season of The Bachelor – oh, I’m sorry – The Bachelors. Plural. There are three of them. And they’re all white. Are we surprised? NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.
The first week of this season was wild and a tad cooked. Episode one gave us a Tom Cruise-esque action sequence recapping the last ten years of Bach chaos – Blake Garvey proposing to Sam Frost, Alex Nation and Richie Strahan in the cursed chocolate bathtub, and Tim Robards’ first meeting with now-wife Anna Heinrich. Amongst those relationships featured, perhaps only 3% didn’t end up resembling a flaming pile of garbage within three months of the show’s filming, but I digress…
Osher assures us that things are different this season. We see cinematic sweeping shots of the show’s new home on the Gold Coast, but getting to know our leading men is the focus of these first episodes.
We’re first introduced to Jed McIntosh, a drummer and songwriter. Here’s what we’ve learned about Aldi Machine Gun Kelly so far: he’s a drummer, he’s only 25-years-old, he loves Jesus and nail polish. Did I mention he’s a drummer?
I’m a professional musician too, and it cannot be overstated how much this man is every musician I’ve ever dated all rolled into one mantrum-throwing, tattoo-sporting package (it truly is a jungle out there, folks). In episode one, Jed’s introductory segment involves a close-up on his drumstick-throwing tricks and his hoop earring with a tiny cross dangling from it (a bingo item in this franchise).
He says earnestly, “I’m never gonna stop playing the drums, but I don’t wanna be single,” to which drummers everywhere let out a resounding “Those two things are not mutually exclusive, but sure.”
Jed’s first rose offer to psychology student Caitlin is graciously rejected. With a bruised little ego, he retorts “I thought I was the one making those decisions, but apparently not.” Don’t we hate it when women have autonomy within their romantic encounters?!
However, as we learn in episodes two and three, very much like that trivia game Ross creates in Friends, ‘it’s all relative.’ Because as quickly as Jed appears to be winning the red flag hundred-metre Olympic sprint, Felix quickly flies into the lead…
Bachelor two, Felix Von Hofe, has unsettlingly white teeth, is very tall, used to play professional basketball, and now wears suits and does things for money that require you to wear a suit. He’s pretty much a classic Bachelor in that he is muscular and knows how to talk to the camera in an inauthentic TV voice about how much he’s “ready to settle down” (despite behaving exactly to the contrary).
Felix quickly begins to tick away at the maybe-he’s-a-douchebag checklist all heterosexual women keep on hand at all times. In episode two, he tangles tongues with Tilly in front of the entire cocktail party, doubles down when the other women find it disrespectful, brings her back out on display like a prized pig to make out with her again in order to prove some kind of point I guess, promises he won’t do it again, then proceeds to – you guessed it – do it again in the following episode with Naomi.
Episode three involves a scandal where Felix learns that Jessica is in an open relationship, to which Felix reacts as if she has said she likes to run over puppies in her spare time. He indicates that he’s not interested in being in an open relationship, despite having aggressively shoved his tongue down multiple women’s throats so far, and having just twenty minutes earlier revelled in the “opportunity to date so many beautiful women at the same time and for it to be acceptable!”
Funny how many men love the idea of an open relationship when they’re the only ones allowed to participate in its openness…
Felix then says the words which will remain the most memorable line of The Bachelor franchise since Jamie Doran’s “I’ve had feelings for Helena” pee-my-pants speech on Bachelor in Paradise. He says, “I love a threesome, I just don’t wanna have one with my wife!”
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In case you were wondering, that means “I really enjoy when a woman is sexual but being TOO sexual is simply not marriage material!”
The news of Jessica’s open relationship was brought to Felix’s attention by Tash, who is going hell for leather at this season’s villain edit. Purposefully outing another contestant’s personal information without her consent and implicitly shaming sex workers is apparently all in an episode’s work for Tash, whose “everyone is bullying me” attitude doesn’t seem to raise any alarms for her Bachelor Jed.
That just leaves “Italian stallion” Thomas Malucelli. The first time we see Thomas, he dives straight into the spiritual cliches which so often constitute a wellness influencer’s entire personality. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be well. I have tried it once or twice.
However, Thomas is controversially a supporter of multi-level marketing company Isagenix, a pyramid scheme which sells “health” products that have been widely slammed by medical studies. So that’s… fun.
Thomas’ obvious front-runner is total sweetheart Leah, who has never been in love and asks what it feels like. Thomas kisses her on a tree swing in episode three and I have decided Leah must be protected at all costs, especially from any romance involving MLMs.
Strap in, y’all, because these three dudes have literal ENGAGEMENT RINGS to give out in the finale and I for one am very much looking forward to sipping my chardonnay with ice and yelling at my TV for the next few weeks. Feel free to join me – in this house, we drink every time Osher uses the death voice.
Imogen Clark is an AIR Award-nominated indie singer-songwriter from Sydney. Her latest single, the cathartic ‘Compensating’, is out now.
