Welcome to the first of 2017’s weekly rundowns on what’s hot in the coming seven days of cinematic releases. It’s good to be back! Two films premiere this week, but I wouldn’t dare omit my opinions on those that slipped under the holiday radar.
Four major studio features and one exciting new indie flick grace the page today, along with a genuine plea to avoid one of the big releases – it feels pretty important this time, folks.
Dishonourable mentions go to the very silly Monster Trucks, which hardly seemed worth taking the time to dissect the pun title, and Collateral Beauty, about which all that could be said has been said. But please, do go and read some of the more scathing reviews – clearly the film journos responsible had a lot of fun.
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LION
RT: 87%
BRAG reviewer Anna Wilson was deeply affected by this film, speaking of it in almost reverential tones. For a profound emotional experience, Dev Patel‘s search for home and family is clearly the film to beat this week.
READ our full review of Lion here
The slumdog millionaire is an Aussie this time, complete with convincing accent, adopted out of Kolkata after getting stuck on a train and separated from his birth family. Lion chronicles Saroo’s efforts to find them using his memories, the support of his girlfriend (Rooney Mara) and Google Earth.
You ready to feel some feelings?
tl;dr Look, we all know how this ends.
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xXx: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE
“Kick some ass, get the girl and try to look dope doin’ it.”
I am so goddamn in. The xXx franchise, long lost after Vin Diesel moved on to bigger and better things, is being rebooted with all the hot-blooded havoc of the latest Fast & Furious instalments. Oh yeah, and he’s working for Toni Collette and Samuel L. Jackson, going up against Donnie Yen, fresh from blindly kicking butts in Rogue One.
And it looks like straight-up big, dumb fun. I mean, goddammit, they even fit BOTTLE FLIPPING into the film. xXx is just the right title: this is gratuitous action porn. Two tickets please.
tl;dr X, you got some catchin’ up to do, slick.
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PASSENGERS (in cinemas now)
RT: 31%
Please don’t see this movie.
I’ve probably said this numerous times over TL;DR’s run, but this time, it’s important. Spoilers abound in the articles to follow, but what you need to know is this: Passengers markets itself as a romantic drama about two adults shackled by fate to a life alone, but the marketers have omitted something crucial – this is not fate, but manipulation. See, the plot poses a seriously dark question and then totally fails to answer it, resulting in the message that you can totally hurt, use and abuse people to get what you want as long as you’re sexy.
Romance is a two-way street requiring two (minimum) people with agency – rob one of that crucial element, and you end up with a cynical parable of Stockholm syndrome wish-fulfilment.
tl;dr Imagine all the sexy romance.
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ASSASSIN’S CREED (in cinemas now)
RT: 17%
“Inevitable” is the word that springs to mind as Ubisoft, unsatisfied with the billions it rakes in churning out padded sandbox clones for every console on the market year after year, adapts one of its landmark franchises to the screen.
The surprise is that Justin Kurzel, best known for Macbeth and the horrifying/brilliant Snowtown, is directing, attempting to paint over a script written by the same algorithm that brought you The Transporter Refueled with his affinity for gristly visual flair.
The cool leap of faith is legit. The rest is computers, and by all accounts, calling it “the best video game adaptation yet” is hardly praise at all.
tl;dr Everyone knows there’s already a best video game adaptation.
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THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN (in cinemas now)
RT: 95%
Yep, the trailer loads up the clichés, but the critics love The Edge Of Seventeen‘s avoidance of nearly every trope from the coming-of-age drama, heralding the arrival of a smart, funny and comfortably mainstream-skewing comedy.
It’s picked up an R rating in the States, meaning it’s got enough teeth to speak plainly about the trials facing Nadine (Hailee Steinfeld), the high school sucker dealing with a relationship between her jock brother (Blake Jenner) and her best friend (Haley Lu Richardson).
Trailer MVP, however, is Woody Harrelson, dishing out withering burns to his adolescent charges. This is gonna be fun.
tl;dr Woody Harrelson really has a knack for mentoring young ladies.
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And now for THE VERDICT – maybe you only get to see one of these flicks on the big screen, and you don’t wanna waste that night out. So, drum roll please…
Lion is unquestionably the drama par excellence this week, and The Edge Of Seventeen is striking a chord with every critic out there. I’d see all three, but you know what? I’m going to break rank, skew dumb and come right out with it – my pick is xXx: Return Of Xander Cage. Fuck it, let’s blow shit up.
Until next week!
