Welcome to the BRAG’s weekly rundown of what’s hot in the coming seven days of cinematic releases. This kind of release schedule is every studio executive’s wet dream: franchise, franchise, franchise.
If you’re of the family persuasion, there are a number of decent options for you and your tiny stank people to indulge in at the cinema. Some of them, however, aren’t kid-friendly, and knowing which might surprise you – remember, not all kids’ things are kids’ things any more.
Be my guest…
–
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
RT: 70%
The Disney business empire invite you to be their guest by paying to see this story you saw 26 years ago in GLISTENING 3D YOU LUCKY SHIT. With Emma Watson, a real girl instead of a drawing, and several real talking pieces of furniture.
Director Bill Condon, the writer/director of Oscar winner Gods And Monsters – has dragged old mate Ian McKellen into the mix as ‘Clock Bloke’, and shoehorned an “exclusively gay moment” that feels a little like one step forward for two steps back.
Condon’s approach is basically to craft Crimson Peak for kids. OSTENTATION. Honestly, this film was never for me. If it’s for you, great! Have fun. Pirate it, probably.
tl;dr LOOK AT THE GOLD LOOK AT THE LIGHTS IT’S NOT EMPTY SPECTACLE LOOK AT THE GLITTER
–
LIFE
There’s a few interesting rumours as to what Life may actually be under the skin, but until then, it’s the alien space attack film fans of Arrival sure weren’t waiting on. There’s also at least five films with the same name.
Generally, I am not in favour of Ryan Reynolds being not Deadpool (even if his writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick are on board); an issue soon to be resolved. I hope, too, that this is good era Jake Gyllenhaal and not bad era Jake Gyllenhaal. But there’s one thing about this trailer I just can’t get over…
It’s 2017, and we need to be done with the disposable black guy trope – it’s really not fucking cool. Here’s hoping I’m wrong and Ariyon Bakare‘s role lasts beyond the trailer.
tl;dr “I’ve seen this movie…”
–
POWER RANGERS
Was I the only one who had no idea this was happening, until it happened? The current RT score on this one is lingering around 50%, and believe the guy who’s seen it – that score is way more than generous. BUT DON’T WORRY THERE’LL ONLY BE FIVE OR SIX OR SEVEN.
READ our full review of Power Rangers here
This Hong Kong/American co-production brings your childhood roaring back to life only to kick you squaw in the nuds with Green Lantern–level force, uniting five diverse kids together in a film that actually refers to them as “different coloured kids”.
Worst of all, it forgets how cheesy its source material is, and winds up criminally unfun. Oh, and it’s M15+. It’s the gritty, sweary Power Rangers the world needed like Bryan Cranston and Elizabeth Banks needed the money.
tl;dr Go, go away, Power Rangers
–
THE BOSS BABY
Most of this week’s films have unconfirmed RT ratings… but they’re not looking good. Alec Baldwin stars as a baby version of Alec Baldwin in the latest Dreamworks non-starter.
Ok, Dreamworks have had some fine moments – Shrek, How To Train Your Dragon, Kung Fu Panda, the other one – but The Boss Baby‘s best punchline is in its title. Where could it possibly go?
Probably onto three sequels and a TV series, if goddamn venture capitalist Jeffrey Katzenberg has anything to do with it.
tl;dr Baldwin’s second Boss Baby role this year.
–
RAMMSTEIN: PARIS
If you haven’t had the chance to see Rammstein live, you should definitely soak this up. They may seem like a silly industrial metal band – the namesake of Neue Deutsche Härte (New German Hardness) – but their unparalleled show must be seen to be believed.
Don’t believe me? This is a band for whom pyrotechnics are par for the course, to the point where singer Till Lindemann wears dual arm-mounted flamethrowers and has spent entire songs engulfed in flames. They’ve been seen dressed as babies, astronauts and fat people, and use a two-tier stage with moving elements.
Oh yeah, and they’ve been repeatedly arrested for indecency – pretending to get it on onstage, dressing in BDSM gear, and using a penis-shaped cannon to fire foam into the crowd during a song about sex. Lindemann simulated Christian ‘Flake’ Lorenz‘s murder with a bucket of molten steel at 2011’s Big Day Out.
look just watch it ok du hast
tl;dr I’m not kidding about the molten steel m8. Feuer Frei!
–
And now for THE VERDICT – maybe you only get to see one of these flicks on the big screen, and you don’t wanna waste that night out. So, drum roll please…
Many of you will already have your hands pressed to your cheeks in silent squee, readying your arteries for the saccharine hit of Beauty And The Beast. But not I, sir. Instead, I will be crushing my ring and middle fingers into my palm, prepping my devil horns for the r(e)ise of Rammstein: Paris.
Until next week!
