It’s the burning question all unattached people have wondered. No, not that type of ‘burning’ question – but maybe you should get a cream if that’s where your mind went.
Take a look at yourself. You’re attractive, confident, successful – and single. Wait… What? How is that possible? Why are you single?
Prepare for your mum’s line of questioning at Easter with this credible and highly scientific report that looks at the reasons why you are not shacked up.
You’re just too intelligent
Like the colourful and complex Rubik’s Cube, the twists and turns of a highly intelligent person can come across as difficult to solve. Or maybe we shouldn’t compare a person to a popular toy of the 1970s because it’s ridiculous.
Either way, when you’re intellectually gifted, you will likely want a partner who can match the pace of your mind. Now that Australians are drinking from their shoes en masse (“the shooey”), you may be finding it hard to meet someone that matches your intellectual capacity.
If being too smart is a problem for you, you can always drop a few IQ points by watching a marathon of The Real Housewives of Melbourne. This will ensure romantic success with the type of partner who has a Certificate III in Love Island. Don’t forget – Forrest Gump was a very nice husband.
You don’t want to give up your single person habits
Last year I ate so many chicken nuggets, Google Maps asked if KFC was my workplace. Clearly, I have a problem.
This is one example of the glorious and disgusting behaviour single people can get away with. Apart from my GP, who doesn’t approve of the nugget addiction, there was no-one to hold me accountable for my gluttonous lifestyle.
Other shameful single person habits include leaving a mug in your room for three weeks, lying to everyone about how often you go to the gym and giving up cooking to live solely on Woolworths roast chickens. Or maybe that’s just me.
Sure you may be a catch – but it feels good to leave that mug on your dresser. Being single means enjoying the freedom that comes with riding solo. Just don’t forget the sweet and sour sauce.
You’re waiting for Taylor Hanson
There is a truth universally acknowledged that if you were born between 1980 and 1993, and liked men, you were at some point under the impression you were going to marry Taylor Hanson.
Sure, there were days when this dream seemed unachievable – and on those days you decided Isaac would be ok too. Taylor has since married a wonderful woman and become father to so many children you’d need an ice pack.
Of course, I wish Taylor and his wife a happy life together. Seeing he is now married, I propose an alternative scenario, where a new and fresh Taylor Hanson appears from a third dimension, proposing to me on the third date.
I would also be ok with some kind of cloning scenario. (Does anyone have a strand of Taylor’s hair? Asking for a friend.) Until technology catches up, I’ll happily stay single so I can one day live my family band dreams.
You do you
There are millions of reasons to be single – and you don’t have to justify yours to anyone. Being single comes with endless possibilities – and that is truly exciting.
And always remember – single or taken – you are perfect just the way you are. Except for that mug on the dresser. Give it a rinse you grot.
