I come here, with my tail between my legs, admitting that I dabbled in the dating app game. It was the peak of coronavirus lockdown when I decided that I’d dip my toe in the cesspool of online dating.
I found the whole experience debasing and depressing, and soon realised I didn’t want my likeness floating around the sexually available economy. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking for love or companionship or just plain ol’ sex online, I’m clearly not above it. It’s just that the endless swiping filled me with such overwhelming bleakness.
A sense of dread descended upon reading hundreds of bios that made me feel so detached from a society I thought I had some tenuous grasp on. Retrospectively, these feelings of otherness and an inability to relate were probably fuelled by the fact I was lacking contact with the outside world. They were there nonetheless.
The bios though, the fucking bios. When they weren’t exuding a cringe-inducing false bravado, or teetering on the edge of desperation, they were just soul void of soul, of humanness. Different iterations of the same joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place. Watered down and grey, as if people were only allowing themselves to confine to the well-trod ground of what has already been rendered successful.
With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of phrases/concepts one should avoid at all costs when navigating the dating app world.
“Fluent in sarcasm”
If you have to make a point about being sarcastic you’re probably not as fluent as you think you are. Also, everything about dating within an irony-poisoned world is boring and tired. Approaching everything with a distant, self-aware precision, is a one-way ticket to stale, stressful conversation. You’re trying to find a potential sexual partner, not look for a cohost for a weak knock-off of your favourite dirtbag left podcast.
The pandemic
Kudos to anyone who’s managed to cop a shag with pandemic reference but most of us are trying our best to escape the drudgery of the last year. Low hanging fruit may taste the sweetest but please do not condemn anyone to a conversation about coronavirus. We’re exhausted. All the hot takes and jokes were depleted by April. There’s nothing libidinal about the plague.
Reference to your dog/loving dogs
Women wised up years ago to the fact men were probably buying cavoodles to increase their chances of getting laid.
Also adopting the cutesy, “i’m baby”, “pupper/pupperino” affectation is one of the most despicable boner-killers on the planet. As a culture we need to stop infantilising ourselves, it’s pathetic and ugly. We’re better than this.
Literally anything you found googling “best dating app bios”
We can guarantee that a hundred other people have had the same idea. Yeah Picasso might’ve been known to say that “lesser artists borrow; great artists steal”, but Picasso was a loser that dated teenagers.
“I don’t know what I’m doing on here”
You’re not fooling anyone. We all know what we’re doing here. Lean into it.
“6’4 because apparently that matters”
If 1970s Al Pacino has taught us anything it’s that short kings are fucking hot. If your height is your only selling point, pick up a hobby babe. It’s a dead-end for conversation.
“Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself”
I agree, but don’t make such a bold proclamation if you’re not willing to engage at length in a conversation about how we are all powerless against the ruling elite.
Good luck and happy swiping.
