Alright, class. We’ve somehow made it to finale week even though The Bachelors only premiered three weeks ago, and what a rollercoaster of Jed’s fear it has been!
Episode eight opens with Tash coming back for a hot second to beg for Jed’s forgiveness, to which he makes a hard pass. Abigail and Felix share a date where they FaceTime Minnie, Abigail’s cat, and this has been the only moment where I’ve vaguely liked Felix. It’s then Take-Your-Courtney-To-Work-Day as she and Jed write a song together, their first solo hang since their blind date (wtf?!).
Thomas and Leah share a classic Bach boat date where we learn that Leah’s ex cheated on her, apologised to her, slept with her, then dumped her via text, all within 24 hours. As a single woman, I’m here to tell you there are more of these assholes living among us than you’d think.
At the group beach date, Bella tells Jed, “I really wanna pash ya”, to which he implies he’d really rather not (Bella, you’re awesome! Go find someone who does wanna pash ya!) Thomas tells Lou he sees her as more of a friend, and it’s truly nuts that these women are still here in finale week?! Lou is sent home at the rose ceremony but Bella lives to Bach another day.
In episode nine, Thomas tells Osher he’s in love with three women, one of whom is Lauren, who he has spoken to maybe twice? Felix struggles to feel much of anything beyond the fuckboy vibes that permeate his entire being.
Lauren and Thomas share a picnic date where Thomas mentions proposing at the finale. Lauren says she’d say yes to “getting to know him more.” If only there was a way of getting to know someone before you committed to them for life. Say, I don’t know, dating?
Jed and Alesia scale a 78-storey building, despite his intense fear of heights, and I wanna know who at Channel 10 has it out for Jed. He says he can see himself falling in love with her. Alesia says, “do you trust me when I say that I really like you?” which is another way of saying, “I don’t love you yet because it’s been six weeks.”
Felix and Tilly head go-karting where we learn that he has decided he needs more from her than just physical affection, despite having given her no indication of this and offering nothing of depth to the relationship himself.
My biggest gripe with this show rears its ugly head again, as we are positioned to feel there are two kinds of women – the ones who are openly sexual and the ones who are emotionally intelligent, as if women cannot be both. Felix says he wants that “nurturing feel” from a partner, so he is essentially looking for his Mother.
Despite the fact they want entirely different things, Felix gives Jess a rose and sends Tilly home. Tilly’s goodbye is steeped in ingrained misogyny, as it’s implied that women who embrace their sexuality are the sort of women you date casually but are not serious romantic partners, diminishing female sexuality as classless.
We say goodbye to Jasmine. Thomas says he’s happy for her because she will come out of this experience stronger, and I imagine this is what every one of my exes said as they ghosted me. We also farewell Bella, whose parting conversation with Jed is extremely wholesome. They obviously genuinely care about each other and Bella reassures him that they will remain friends and start a country band together (Bella’s Country Bunker?!).
Episode 10 opens with Felix and Jess riding segways on the beach (my favourite cocktail), while Angela and Jed ride quad bikes. A relationship counsellor sits with the couples to gauge their compatibility. Kiki confirms she doesn’t want more kids, which is a dealbreaker for Thomas. This is the catalyst for Kiki being sent home later, a big deal considering her seemingly front-runner status.
Jess tells the counsellor she is ready to break up with Damien so she and Felix can be together, which turns out to be bullshit, as Jess later tells Abigail that she wants to continue a sexual relationship with Damien. We learn that Alesia doesn’t want Jed to propose.
Courtney ends up choosing to leave after realising her feelings for Jed don’t match up with the strength of the others’. Felix sends Krystal home and once again chooses Jess’ absolute mind-fuckery over someone who has been open with him.
Episode 11 sees the families of the Bachelors and their ladies meet for a whirlwind of confronting conversations. Felix’s family meet Abigail first, who fits in beautifully. Abigail’s friend Georgia is hesitant towards Felix, while he describes Abigail as “polished” and “finished,” as if she is a piece of restored furniture.
Jed and Alesia’s families meet and it’s awkward af as they’re all very much not on board with Jed proposing. Jed’s family also meet Angela’s family, who seem to get along splendidly, although the common denominator is the initial scepticism of both fathers when they learn Jed is a musician (lol, fair). Angela’s Dad gets emotional and says he believes Jed is “the one,” before Angela and Jed confess their love to each other.
Thomas tells us he doesn’t need to meet anyone’s families because he’s already made his decision, although So Dramatic! reported that these meetings were in fact filmed and left on the cutting room floor to allow more time for the Jess and Damien debacle we are about to witness.
Jess and Felix’s families meet and – surprise! – Damien is there. After Jess gets an absolute roasting from Felix’s mum, Felix tries to ask her how she feels about Damien, to which Damien cracks the shits and a toxic masculinity pissing contest ensues. Damien kicks Jess’ brother out of the conversation for pointing out that Damien keeps interrupting everyone, and if someone did this to my brother, it would be a solid “bye forever” from me.
Now we’re in the finale and good lord, let it be over! We never normally see our final bachelorettes hash out their feelings, but we witness Jess and Abigail discussing the fact that Jess STILL DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS (*tears hair out*). Abigail takes the cake for my favourite Bachelor quote ever when she says, “That’s ridiculous, get a vibrator!”
Damien is back again for some fucking reason and Jess sobs uncontrollably. She says that she wants to pursue something with Felix and that Damien deserves someone who’s all in, so they FINALLY split. Somebody give these two an Oscar.
Thomas rejects Lauren in the most clinical, rehearsed and hilariously short finale segment this show has ever seen. He says “you’re not the one” and she says “OK” and that’s apparently it?!
Thomas then proposes to Leah, who accepts wholeheartedly. A producer asks what they’re excited to do as a couple and Thomas says “have sex,” but my guess is his first port of call will actually be, “hey babe, have you heard of Isagenix?”
Jed breaks up with Angela in a church (surely there are laws against this), telling her he has qualms about how his travel schedule will affect her, despite the fact that we’ve seen none of those concerns aired. Angela questions why he said he was falling in love with her two days ago and he bumbles through a shitty excuse.
Despite Alesia telling Jed MULTIPLE TIMES that she does not want his proposal, Jed chooses to ignore her by pressuring her with a proposal on national television (because if women say no, just keep pushing until they say yes, right?!) Alesia is bricking it so he gets off his knee and says they don’t have to get married and does a little switch-a-roo to convert the engagement ring into a promise ring. Jed says “good communication is key,” as if he has lived by that phrase at all.
Felix rejects Abigail and she is graceful as always. A producer asks what she’d do if Felix came to her later and said he wanted her back, to which she says, “I don’t do second chances.” GO OFF, ABIGAIL!
Felix chooses Jess after hearing she broke up with Damien a mere few hours beforehand. Perhaps these two deserve each other but I cannot help but feel rage that Jess has played everyone this season and gotten exactly what she wanted at the expense of everyone else’s sanity. Who wants to call Felix’s mum and tell her that her son chose the girl she absolutely tore to shreds in the previous episode?
The girls who didn’t get chosen have a wine and debrief together, while the new happy (?) couples clink their glasses in celebration of the fact that most of them will be broken up within the year. And I curse at the gods of Channel 10 for the three weeks of my life I will never get back. Hooray!
Imogen Clark is an AIR Award-nominated indie singer-songwriter from Sydney. Her latest single, the cathartic ‘Compensating’, is out now.
