Melbourne may be known for its cultural prowess, its excellent coffee and it’s world-beating buskers, but perhaps its Lord Mayor Sally Capp should add ‘schadenfreude experts’ to its list of attributes.
We asked Alita Brydon, dating expert and journalist and founder of Bad Dates of Melbourne and Bad Dates of Australia, to share a few dating stories from her almost 200,000 followers. The results have brought us joy, pain, and honestly, have left us in awe at some of the misfortune these people experienced.
Below are just a few of our favourites…
Independence level: Expert
“Bad date story: none. Haven’t been asked out in two years.” – A Reader
No class
“This isn’t a date but you might appreciate it. My parents bought my boyfriend at the time two Gold Class tickets. He took himself twice.” – A Reader
The Slow-poke
“I’d been talking to this guy for a solid few weeks and decided I was going to drive the 90 minutes to meet him. I arrive at our meet up place and hang around for a bit.
“After being there for around 30 minutes I get a message from him saying he wasn’t coming. There was a new Pokemon on Pokemon GO and he wanted to try and catch it.
“I got stood up for Pokemon GO! I haven’t been on a date since.” – A Reader
Party pooper
“So I’d just got out of a three year relationship and thought I’d put myself out there and enjoy some single time. I chatted to this guy on Grindr for few days and we decided to go out on a date.
“I felt like I hit the jackpot! He was exactly what I like in a man. He’s tall and seems to be fun. He picks me up in his ute (so masculine) for a milkshake date and we end up at his place.
“Fast forward to us in his bedroom and I could literally taste the unpleasant smell of his body. I forgot that I had a milkshake – a very bad decision.
“Things heat up and I ended up pooping on him. It was the dairy I promise! A fight breaks out after he yelled at me for not being prepared. I argue back that clearly he wasn’t prepared either!
“I then showered and had to Uber it back home. I texted my ex after that and decided that dating isn’t the game for me. We got back together so it worked out good for me.” – A Reader
Hummus where the heart is
“So, I am obsessed with hummus – I have it for breakfast and view myself quite the hummus connoisseur. I have bought every brand of hummus and taste tested it – I just had some hummus before!
“Anyway, I go on this date with a cute guy and after a few drinks we’re both a bit peckish but don’t want to leave the bar because the music is on point. On the snacks menu they had pita bread and dips.
“I proceed to ask the waiter what dips they have, knowing full well I’m going to order the hummus for us – because who doesn’t love hummus? Turns out my date not only hated it, but was allergic to garlic and couldn’t eat it. It felt like I got smashed with the ACME anvil from Roadrunner.
“I wasn’t myself for the rest of the date. Who hates hummus? Honestly? We ended up having pita bread with eggplant dip. The experience was bizarre because I didn’t realise how the hummus issue would impact my cognitive function during the date – like I started to go on about chickpeas for a bit… I think I talked about Middle Eastern cuisine in general for a bit too?
“There has been no second date for obvious reasons. But because I still think this guy is cute… I looked up which brand makes garlic free hummus. I sent him a message about it after and he didn’t reply.” – A Reader
Maccas Run
“My story starts off with a semi-ok Tinder date which lead to me having the guy come back to my house. All was well but I didn’t want him to stay the night because I wasn’t feeling him that much. He told me his favourite garnish is coriander!
“I used the excuse of having a flight first thing in the morning to get him to leave. But he was super keen on staying and ended up sleeping over. Because I had fibbed about my ‘early flight’, I had to set my alarm for 4am, pack my bags and order an Uber to make it look like I was going to the airport.
“I was really going to my closest McDonald’s to get a Bacon and Egg McMuffin. I told my driver the deal and he drove around until my date left.
“On the first lap past my house, my driver confirmed my date was still outside. I ducked down in the back seat as we drove past. By the second lap, he was gone. I got dropped off and went inside back to sleep. It was a five star Uber trip. 10/10 would shout my driver a Sausage McMuffin meal again. Only 2/10 would hit the date up again.” – A Reader
Surprise Galentine
“I met this girl at a dinner party who was sunshine in a person. We spent the whole night chatting and laughing. We decided to catch up again. Great! I’m always keen for new friends!
“We arrange a day and a time, and when it arrives, this girl is SO lovely. She picks me up from my place and takes me for a surprise picnic in the park! She brings food and drink, we go for a lovely walk, and we spend the whole time talking.
“We get along so well that I decide to open up about my recent boy drama. Our picnic didn’t last long after that. The penny dropped the next day: she was gay. I thought we were hanging out as friends, she thought it was a date.
“To this day, it’s still the nicest date I’ve been on! It’s just a shame I didn’t realise it was a date until afterwards. I felt so bad for being oblivious.” – A Reader
You Croc my world
“It was our third date and we were going to the movies. I dressed cute – but you know ‘casual cute’ (a.k.a. I put in a lot of effort to look like I hadn’t put much effort in). Anyway, I rock up at his house and what is that sound… Grunting? Coming from upstairs?
“I tentatively walk into the hallway because the front door was open and look up to see three men cramming a double bed mattress up a spiral staircase into a loft bedroom. I awkwardly wait for this impressive display of masculinity to be over before my date appears, grinning and drenched in sweat. He goes to get changed for our date.
“Changing consists of putting on no less than… A PAIR OF CROCS. Oh God no, abort, abort, abort! Uneasy, I refrain from commenting and we head off to walk to the cinema.
“At that moment it starts pouring down torrential rain. There is a literal river on the road that we have to cross. But fear not! My date is wearing practical waterproof shoes!
“He piggy-backed me across the river in his Crocs. And from then on I was smitten. We have been together for two years. By the way, he approves of me submitting this story and he’s wearing his Crocs today.” – A Reader
