As a nation, we made it through the needles in strawberries crisis. Celiacs and “gluten-intolerant” folk survived Ingham’s gluten-free chicken schnitzels containing gluten. However, I don’t think we have the strength to make it through this. Health authorities in Adelaide have ordered an urgent recall of hot cross buns after they were found contaminated with a calculator.

Who, on God’s green pastures would taint the gorgeous name of easter by contaminating hot cross buns, the god tier of seasonal treats? What cold, loveless being would commit such a crime against humanity?

This act of sin took place in Adelaide, the second most-cursed city in Australia behind The Gold Coast. The incident took place on Monday, at a Foodland in Adelaide’s Pasadena. Where the dough of an innocent hot cross bun was found contaminated with small bits of a calculator.

SA Health has issued an urgent warning to customers that the calculator’s button battery poses health risks. “The button battery, as far as I’m aware, hasn’t been found,” Dr Lease told ABC. “It can cause burns to the oesophagus. It’s children that we’re significantly concerned about, particularly because small button batteries are hard to find”

The real question here is, why do calculators still exist, does everyone not have a phone?

Now that hot cross buns are out of the question, why don’t you check out our guide to the best vegan Easter treats you can get your mittens.

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