It brings us great sadness to announce that Four Loko has teamed up with Fleshlight on a creation that defies all natural law. The despicable beverage has partnered with the male pleasure monoliths to birth a sex toy that literally nobody asked for.
The fully-functional fleshlight is delicately embellished by Four Loko’s signature camo-print design. The aesthetic wasteland is the brainchild of LA-based pop culture honchos Pizzaslime.
“Inspired by the spirit of Steve Jobs and Leonardo Da Vinci, we at Pizzaslime embarked on a quest to bring the world an innovative and cutting-edge sexual experience,” Pizzaslime explained in a statement. “The result was the orchestration of combining the two legendary brands that are Four Loko and Fleshlight. Like most people, you’ve probably thought to yourself, ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if I could have sex with a Four Loko?’ … now you can (if you have a penis) … YOU ARE WELCOME WORLD!”
If you thought that this entire situation could not possibly get anymore hellish, you were wrong; the fleshlight will be available for purchase for… $69. Please, for the love of God, do not buy it.
In other sex-toy related news, back in February, we discovered that emoji-inspired vibrators were being flogged on Urban Outfitters. The “emoji-bators” pay homage to five popular emojis — the chicken, shark, chilli, banana and, of course, the eggplant.
Whilst it’s not quite Gwyneth Paltrow’s $3000, 24-karat gold dildo, we acknowledge that these emoji-bators possess a spunky energy.
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