Ah Christmas – the time of year when you ask the big guy in red for a new set of Apple AirPods to rock out to and you end up with five new additions for the sock drawer. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.
But while some people actually look forward to the barrage of tinsel and mistletoe, the rest of us… we know better. So, before you stock up on the dangerous mix of turkey and eggnog, here’s your ultimate Christmas survival guide.
All we want for Xmas… is not Mariah
Mariah has seen too much time in the Christmas limelight, so do yourself a favour and track down the copy of Merry Christmas that is almost certainly in your household a few weeks before the big day and ensure it’s well hidden and firmly out of rotation.
There are plenty of other worthy alternatives like Sia, Elvis and Farnsey to pump out. Even Carlton Dry is getting in on the action with its very own Christmas song ‘It’s The Most Wonderful Time For A Beer’ streaming on Spotify. Trust us, your ears will thank you.
Watch: ‘It’s The Most Wonderful Time For A Beer’
Learn how to combat racist relatives
Picture this: you’re about to slice yourself another piece of juicy ham before you’re rudely interrupted by somebody at the table dropping a pearl of wisdom that’d make the Pope blush. It’s okay, we’ve all been there.
But instead of giving the floor to racist aunties or uncles – why not drop some knowledge bombs about low pressure weather systems, or the fact that the world record attempt at creating the world’s largest espresso martini required a whopping 600 litres of booze?
You can just make this stuff up and you’ll have skilfully avoided the next decade of family drama.
Pause your Tinder swiping
Although the 21st century has become all about the struggles of the choice between left and right swipes, we can’t imagine a worse scenario than stumbling upon your second cousin on Tinder. Times that by twenty if they’re sitting right next to you at the time, waiting for the damn turkey to finish cooking.
Go ahead and save yourself years of therapy and deactivate your account for the day. Your Prince/Princess Charming will still be out there.
Avoid last-minute shopping with this gift-giving hack
Let’s be honest, you know you’re not getting what you actually asked for this Christmas, so why should anybody else? Forget dealing with lines of last-minute bargain hunters and take the hassle-free approach by following our list of perfectly adequate Kris Kringle gifts instead.
You’ll find absolute stellar stocking stuffers bound to elicit smiles like a moleskin notebook, Glasshouse candle, or everybody’s favourite, Phar Lap memorabilia. If you really want to avoid any blow-ups, you can even buy the same present for every single person. That way you can easily prove you’re not playing favourites.
Want to lend a hand? Don’t
If you’re a noble human being, it’s only natural to want to raise your hand and help contribute towards the big day. Our tip: don’t be a hero.
Before long either there’ll either be fights in the kitchen or you’ll be tasked with last-minute grocery shopping that will see you faced with traffic jams and yelling at angry punters stealing your perfect parking spot.
Just be blissfully ignorant, crack open a beer and watch Home Alone for the hundredth time, or be fashionably late to the whole shindig to avoid judgy glares. Alternatively…
Just go out!
The cooking, the cleaning – who bloody needs it? The stress of the perfect Christmas feast can bring even the closest of relatives to blows, so why not skip the whole thing entirely?
That way, everybody can order what they actually want, and the owners will eventually kick you all out, meaning you’re free to wrap the whole day up early. We call that a win-win.
Fingers crossed that following our lead you’ll escape the clutches of family Christmas relatively unscathed. If not, well then there’s always next year.