Istarted going to the gym this year because the guy at my local pizza shop on Glebe Point Road knows me by name, and that can’t be a good thing.

You don’t want the pizza shop guy to be your emergency contact. No offence to Perry, he’s a good guy and makes a good pie, but I don’t want him speaking at my funeral:

“Cameron was a good man and a valued customer. RIP. Rest in Pizza.”

I don’t know when it happened, but everyone’s working out now. I went to Splendour last year, and it was just full of 18-year-olds with six packs. When did teenagers get the time to get abs? When I was in high school I was too busy trying to come up with the perfect fart joke to throw into the middle of a history lesson.

There should be a rule: you can either have abs, or a personality – you can’t have both. But if I’m honest, if this rule were true, I’d probs take the abs. Comedy doesn’t get you laid. Abs do.

I have this theory (that’s 100 per cent original) that people have started working out more in the last couple of years because we’re all more afraid of dying than ever before. Trump has the nuke codes. The world could blow at any minute. The only way to run from your fears is to jump on the treadie. My gym is literally called Anytime to remind us when death could strike.

The only problem with going to the gym for me is that I have no idea what I’m doing. I mostly just wander round, towelling my forehead and trying to figure out the correct way to use the pulley-operated torture devices in there. My first session I had a personal trainer named Asher. Never again.

Personal training is the smartest thing that jocks have ever done. They finally found a way to get paid to be bullies. All through high school they called kids fat, those kids grew up to become successful businesspeople, and now they hire those same bullies to yell at them for an hour a week. It’s the circle of life, and it moves us all. Down a belt size.

Ideally, what you want is a way to exercise that makes you hot but doesn’t destroy your personality or will to live. And that’s why I’ve come up with these…

Four Hot Workouts That Won’t Kill Your Soul

1. Beer Yoga

It’s yoga, but you get to drink beer. Because who doesn’t want to get bloated in lycra? (This is 100 per cent a real exercise trend. The rest, not so much.)

2. Jog. To the pizza shop.

Cardio is important. So instead of driving the two minutes to the pizza shop, why not jog the seven minutes? By the time you get there you’ll have earned the garlic bread.

3. Learn mentalism

If you can learn some basic magician mind tricks, maybe you can convince everyone that you have a sick body? I know a magician who always gets laid and I’m 90 per cent certain it’s some kind of mind trick.

4. Change the systemic body image standards to your exact body type

In the Renaissance, chubby people were considered the hottest. Maybe get in with fashion magazines and convince the world that your less-than-cut body is actually the sexiest body type, then just chill and watch the ripped people start copying your pizza diet.

What’s funny this week?

Thursday March 16

A Mic In Hand at The Friend In Hand, Glebe. A Sydney comedy staple with a fun, relaxed atmosphere and drop-in guests from TV and radio.

Thursday March 16

Nailed It at Giant Dwarf. Good comedians performing shit thinkpieces live onstage.

Monday March 20

Comedy Lounge at The Cafe Lounge, Surry Hills. A firecracker comedy room in the inner eest, with an always killer lineup and the best bar in the city.

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