Evidently hell froze over last night, and I ended up bar slumming on King Street.
I don’t do well in large groups of gay women. A handful of lesbians, no problem. 100 ethnocentric lesbians, wearing T-shirt dresses and trucker hats, staring each other down? Problem. I become incredibly cunty. I make inappropriate comments.
Friend mentions she loves the ol’ dyke swagger; that John Wayne-esque cocky strut paired with a rage-inducing perma-smirk. I say shit like, ‘Swagger? Swagger is indicative of brain damage.’ If someone hits on me, rather than being flattered or at all graceful in my reception, I insult them.
“I WANT RUBY ROSE TO SIT ON MY FACE!”
…Is what the extremely drunk lesbian said as she slumped over the pool table, arse peeking out of her bike shorts.
Where do lesbians go at night? It’s a question asked by many a well-meaning tourist wandering around Sydney, confused about where the party is. A new friend hailing from San Francisco asked me this. I reined in my bitter attitude long enough to stop myself from saying, “Honey, this is Sydney – the party’s over.”
Madonna’s ‘This Used To Be My Playground’ started playing as soon as my friends and I remarked that this bar (which shall remain unnamed) used to be more of a lesbian haunt. I mean sure, it was full of lesbians last night, because it was a weeknight. That sad little Tuesday is all we’ve got left in this place. Straight immigration is a blight we’ve not been able to cure or outmanoeuvre, because lesbians don’t have the culture or the capital or the cultural capital to open and sustain a dedicated nightclub.
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Good riddance: I hate flannel. Y’all can have it.
The fragmentation of lesbian identity is happening fast. I walked past a Kmart display the other day and the mannequins were dressed in what the early ’00s would call ‘lesbian couture.’ “That’s it,” I thought to myself, staring at this plaid-covered, gaydar-scrambling mess. It’s over. These awful stereotypical totems have finally been consumed by heterosexual culture’s unimaginative, gaping, greedy maw. Good riddance: I hate flannel. Y’all can have it.
I suppose my shit attitude around massive groups of gay women comes from that tiny bit of internalised homophobia I haven’t managed to evict yet, and the fact that the homogenised lesbian monoculture we’ve got here just makes me want to push my face into a dog’s turd rather than participate in it.
I can’t seem to help coming back, though – I go to gay parties as much as I can, always hoping for something different. I’ll still check out the Bank Hotel despite its current incarnation as party town for a legion of popped-collar, boat-shoe-wearing Kings Cross refugees.
So, where do lesbians go at night? I don’t know, but I wish there was some place that wasn’t full of caricatures. I sometimes don’t feel gay enough, which is ridiculous. An old friend of mine – an American who moved here some years ago – was always slightly bemused by the lesbian scene here. She said, “It’s like people are trying really hard to be read as gay. It’s very strange, I’ve never seen anything like it.”
It might be that the absence of a physical place to gather where you don’t need to signal your gayness plays a part in that, because by being there, you are automatically assumed to be gay. Maybe because our spaces bleed into the spaces of other queers or are borrowed spaces, we feel the need to constantly telegraph that we’re gay, because we’re never really in a place where others can be sure of what we are.
That said, I still think we should abolish trucker hats.
This Week
On Thursday April 27, head over to Lazybones Lounge in Marrickville for Queer As Fvck, a spectacularly queer night supporting community artists, performers and musicians. Featuring The Last Exposure, The Marrakesh Club and La Vif, the night will be hosted by Ms Kaala Moxy. Tickets are available on the door.
On Friday April 28, The Shift Club is hosting The Hellfire Club’s Annual Uniform Party. Now, Hellfire’s idea of what constitutes a uniform is quite broad. Feel free to dress up however you want – the only thing that’s a requirement is effort. Hellfire encourages its party virgins to check out its Facebook page to get some outfit inspiration. The party starts early and goes well into the night. DJs to be announced.
Also on Friday April 28, Bhenji Ra takes over the Museum of Contemporary Art with MCA Artbar. It’s bringing together artistic collectives for a night of entertainment and education on the world of imitation, and be sure to get your tickets early as these events tend to sell out fast. There’ll be Ah Mer Ah Su, Bay Angels and The Pioneers with DJs to be announced.
