In brilliant yet surprising news, statistics have revealed over half of Australians have dabbled in the art of black magic. At first, I imagined hoards of scorned women, crouching around a voodoo doll, cursing their ex-lovers to an existence plagued by cystic acne — but it’s a hell of a lot more normal than that. If you’ve ever attempted to communicate with the dead, cast spells, or had your fortune told, I’m thrilled to let you know that you have practised the divine art of black magic.

The stats, which were acquired by Audible, have revealed that half of all Aussies (52 per cent) would put a curse on someone if they had the means, with politicians (26%) the most likely to get hit with bad juju followed by annoying strangers (19%) and bad drivers (19%).

Check out a bunch of other nutso stats below.

  • Divination or having your fortune read (tarot card reading, palm reading, etc. at 43%) is the most common occult activity, followed by communicating with the dead (e.g. Ouija board) (27%) and casting a spell (16%)
  • 49% of Aussies would use it to make more money
  • Millennials (12%) and men (12%) are more likely to use magic if they could to make their partner more attractive. This is a particularly irksome statistic, we can only imagine the wispy bearded weeds that reckon they deserve a hotter missus.
  • A third (36%) of women would use magic if they could to eat whatever they want and not gain weight. A statistic straight out of the Fleabag bible.

Honestly, can they blame Millenials for their infatuation with the dark arts? Angela Basset just made it look so god damn chic in American Horror Story: Coven.

If you’re interested in tinkering with the witchy world, check out John Safran’s podcast John Safran vs The Occult. The podcast offers a fresh take on the occult.

“I’ve always been intrigued by black magic, which is why I’ve spent months travelling the globe gathering seemingly impossible stories for my new Audible Original Podcast,” he said.

“This isn’t going back to the Salem witch trials in the 1600s. They are all modern stories, involving violence and even murder. After I returned home I was surprised to learn how many Australians believe, and dabble, in the occult – although fortunately not the high-end murdery type.”