My name is Alita and I’m a hen’s night expert. Being single and with nothing better to do, I’ve been tasked with organising hen’s nights for all my shacked up friends. I am an expert at sash selection, stretch Hummer coordination and serving Passion Pop and pretending it’s Moet. Luckily, I have learned a lot along the way and have formulated some simple steps to help you create an unforgettable hen’s night. With this easy guide, you too can throw your bride a bachelorette party so perfect, she’ll forgive you when you forget the groom’s name.
Step 1. Find a reasonable budget
To host the perfect hen’s night, the bridal party will first need to determine what is a fair amount of money for the guests to spend on the must haves. Consider your attendee’s budgets and keep it to the bare essentials – such as pink stretch Hummer limos, strippers with patchy spray tan and handmade floral crowns they will never wear again. If you’re unsure how much guests should spend, refer to the Nimble website to find what sort of short term loan your guests may be eligible for and times this by two.
Step 2. Splurge on everlasting gifts
Celebrate the lasting commitment of marriage by investing in plastics that will take hundreds of years to break down. eBay sells penis straws in boxes of ten for $6.95, representing great value for a timeless item you’ll undoubtedly use over and over.
Step 3. Tasteful entertainment
Adult entertainment is an essential part of any night out where you’ll invite your great aunt and a hen’s party is no exception. Bridesmaids will need to enter deep discussions about whether a stripper is appropriate and fitting to the bride’s tastes. Once you decide that the betrothed may not be comfortable with Magic Mike in your living room, sit back and wait for a rogue bridesmaid to book one anyway. To ensure hen’s success follow the golden ratio – for every three conservative family members there needs to be one stripper with partially regrown chest hair.
Step 4. Follow time honoured traditions
A successful bachelorette party will always end with one fewer bridesmaid than the bridal party had at the start of the night. As per tradition, the bridesmaid will storm off the dancefloor at 1am, leaving an extra groomsman at the altar on the wedding day. This makes for a great talking point at the reception, as well as giving you someone to blame when the cake toppers don’t arrive in time.
Step 5. Talk the hen’s night talk
The average person’s vocabulary is 25,000 words. Luckily, on a hen’s night, you won’t be needing any of these as your responses can be replaced with a single sound – “Woo!” Inject an element of fun and enthusiasm into the big night by incorporating “Woo!” into your hen’s night dialogue as much as possible. For example:
“How do you know the bride?”. “Woo!”
“Where are the kids tonight?”. “Woo!”
“What happened to your shoes?”. “Woo!”
Prepare for your hen’s night by incorporating this useful phrase into your daily life, at church and by watching the films of Hong Kong action director, John Woo.
Congratulations! You now have all you need to host the perfect hen’s night. May your bride have a long and happy married life, may your strippers be single and never forget – marriage is a long term commitment – but penis straws take 200 years to break down. You should probably reuse them.
Alita is a writer, dating expert and tinder addict. To read more of her work, head to this website.
