The milk industry cares not for our bowels or for my cystic acne apparently. How the fuck are we expected to move towards a sustainable, plant-based future if Australia keeps releasing diabolically delicious milky beverages? Why do all almond milk-based dessert drinks taste like literal asshole? When is Bonsoy going to come out with a chocolate milk range?

In April, Arnotts and Dairy Farmers truly fucked the game up when they released that they were releasing Iced Vovo and Mint Slice flavoured milk. The latter a combination we sorely deserve because apparently you can’t buy Masters Spearmint Milk anywhere but Western Australia. Spearmint and milk is perhaps the most sorely underrated flavour combination — if you don’t fuck with it, natural selection is coming for you.

Now the milk and biscuit extraordinaire’s have gone and shaken us to a core with their latest maniacal drop; Wagon Wheels and Caramel Crowns. I just can not even begin to fathom what these sensual brews are going to taste like. I can, however, feel the reverberating rumble of regret in my stomach after I will inevitably consume them both.

This isn’t the only brave milky collaboration we’ve been blessed with this month. We were all floored when it was revealed that Bundaberg Rum and Ice Break had collaborated on an iced coffee, or as I like to think of it, a tradie espresso martini.

Unfortunately, because of rules, regulations and RSA’s, the bevvies aren’t actually spiked with Bundaberg rum. Rather they’ve marinated the thirst-quenching power of Ice Break with Bundy’s inimitable flavour.