The true definition of a ‘white Christmas’ is record label executives trashing the legacy of their artists by forcing them to release Christmas albums so they can fund their cocaine addictions over the holidays. I mean, a Christmas album is basically the musical equivalent of The Simpsons post-season nine – fucking awful, but still somehow lapped up by the troglodyte masses enough to bring in revenue.
Yes, it’s that time of year again – when Michael Bublé comes out of hibernation and we’re forced to spend time with our families and begrudgingly overlook the profoundly racist views of our grandparents while finding solace in the fact that they’ll be dead soon. Let’s look over the aural herpes that retail workers will be hearing on repeat until they go postal this silly season, shall we?
Sia – Everyday Is Christmas (Atlantic)
It’s hard to listen to this album without getting the feeling that while recording each song Sia was being held at gunpoint. A Christmas album is generally where an artist comes to watch their career die – but Sia is still selling out stadiums. So why would she be churning out the yuletide-infused disasters that are ‘Candy Cane Lane’, ‘Ho Ho Ho’ and, erghhhhhh, ‘Puppies Are Forever’? I suppose in the contemporary music industry you need to cash in while the masses fleetingly care about you to avoid a post-career slump where you’re forced to make shopping centre appearances and sign autographs for fans who you’d otherwise have restraining orders against.
Elvis Presley – Christmas With Elvis And The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra (Sony)
Money must be fucking tight at Graceland right now. Nothing really says “we respect the artistic merit of our fallen family member” like digging up 60-year-old recordings and slapping them over a shithouse lower-tier orchestra (at least shell out for the New York Philharmonic or Boston Symphony, you savages). God, when you hear the painful vocal swirls of ‘Blue Christmas’ you can just envision an accountant scooping up a Homebrand potato salad and playing “here comes the aeroplane” with his Neanderthal wife while their 32-year-old son who still lives at home sneaks into his man cave to try out his brand new Rick And Morty-branded vape. Keep up the good work, Satan.
Chris Brown – The Christmas Album (RCA Records)
OK this doesn’t actually exist yet, but I’m sure it will one day because of how fucking soulless and non-accountable the music industry is.
Various Artists – Now That’s What I Call Merry Christmas (Sony)
This shouldn’t exist, but it does. You can tell a lot about people by the type of music they listen to. I can guarantee you that if this album is soundtracking a Christmas luncheon then at least two of the cousins there will end up going to second-base. I mean, Justin Bieber’s ‘Mistletoe’, Bing Crosby and David Bowie’s ‘Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy’ and Wham’s ‘Last Christmas’ are just about as mortifying as your laptop dying while you’re watching porn and then you suddenly see a reflection of yourself in the screen. If you genuinely enjoy this then for the love of god throw your Christmas ham on the ground and eat it off the kitchen floor like the animal you are.
Various Artists – So Fresh: The Songs for Christmas 2017 (Sony)
Get fucked – I refuse to listen to this.
Tyson Wray is a writer, editor and social media type dude who BuzzFeed once called ‘Australia’s Harshest Music Critic’ and will quite obviously never get a job at Sony. Follow him on Twitter @tysonwray. Oh, and for more brutal album roundups, head over here, won’tcha?