During this period of self-isolation I’ve been very cautious as to what I choose to watch. I will not put myself through the aching inconvenience of watching something that will incite feelings of horniness. For weeks, all French cinema has been banned in my household. I’ve put a total prohibition on all Happy Madison productions because Adam Sandler exudes too much sex appeal. I’ve shut friends down who have suggested I watch The L Word. Everything was going so swimmingly and I was living through a blissful, coronavirus-induced asexual haze… until now. Stanley Tucci has torn down the walls of my castle of celibacy.

The veteran actor has uploaded quite possibly the most lustful video in the history of mankind. This is a video that makes Betty Blue look like The Sound of Music. It is a video of Mr. Tucci fixing himself a Negroni, or as he puts it, a “ubiquitous Milanese cocktail”.

I’ve always found Stanley Tucci chaotically attractive. I remember being nine years old, watching The Devil Wears Prada, and being totally besotted by the kindness in his eyes. This lust was heightened to unrequited love after that scene in Big Night where he makes those sumptuous, buttery scrambled eggs. Now, the lechery I feel has reached unbearable heights.

In this cocktail making masterclass, Tucci exudes a swagger that one can only be born with. He truly embodies all the qualities of a Renaissance sculpture. I have never seen anybody look so god damn good in clothes. I could run a play-by-play on the video, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.

Please, I beg of you, watch the video, fix yourself a Negroni, and book in for some essential “me time”.

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