Welcome to the BRAG’s weekly rundown of what’s hot in the coming seven days of cinematic releases. It’s action central on the silver screen this week, with the return of two beloved muscle men from past and present, alongside a band of heroes from Japanese fantasy.
If you don’t like the punchings and the stabbings or the shootings, then maybe you’re more up for getting stabbed in the feels by a young adult romance? Or how about some good old colonial rewriting of history?
Let’s get right down to out with this week’s most surprising bomb…
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King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword
RT: 26%
Now that I did not expect. I thought it would be passable, given Guy Ritchie‘s decent track record. But to be fair, Ritchie hasn’t made a great film since Snatch. And were Sherlock Holmes 3 and Aladdin not already in pre-production, one could prophesise that King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword‘s catastrophic box-office failure forewarns the end of Ritchie’s reign.
Legend Of The Sword places Charlie Hunnam (of Pacific Rim and Sons Of Anarchy fame) in the legendary Arthur’s shoes, in battle against Jude Law‘s illegitimate King Vortigern and his armies. Djimon Hounsou, Eric Bana and the now compulsory Game Of Thrones representative (Aidan Gillen) support, with David Beckham dropping in for a much maligned cameo.
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Ultimately, who cares – Arthur’s dethroning has been decisive and painful, but we really don’t need another three years of gritty Arthurian rehash. So… bye!
tl;dr Alakazam, alakazoo, a failure of epic proportions for you.
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John Wick: Chapter 2
RT: 91%
The Keanussaince continues as John Wick (Keanu Reeves) returns for more mayhem, once again under the watchful eye of stunt co-ordinator and director Chad Stahelski. And this time, it’s personal. Just like it was the first time.
It’s legit insane what this dude is capable of, and I’m not talking about Wick (who, by the way, is the eighth character Reeves has played called John). I mean Reeves himself – the videos of him just in training are frightening. Keanu doesn’t have kids, but if he ever does, DO NOT KIDNAP THOSE KIDS. HE HAS A VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.
Besides reuniting Reeves with Laurence Fishburne for the first time since The Matrix (*squee*), John Wick: Chapter 2 pits the former hitman against a slew of baddies, Smokin’ Aces style. And these are legendary folk, among them Ian McShane, Lance Reddick, Common, and Ruby Rose. And Peter Serafinowicz! Oh, and guns. Lots of guns.
tl;dr So what does he need? Besides a miracle…
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Viceroy’s House
Gillian Anderson and Michael Gambon star in this historical drama, examining the white guy’s perspective on the most tempestuous period in India’s history – the departure of the British, and the division of the nation into what are now India and Pakistan, based on religious differentiation.
It’s directed by Gurinder Chadha, who you may remember from the cultural phenomenon Bend It Like Beckham back in 2002. Her loyalty, it seems, lies with the empire, and despite her protestations to the contrary, the film has picked up significant criticism for its one-sided and overly sanitised look at a division that continues to be controversial to this day.
While I’d be happy to recommend a Gillian Anderson flick to just about anyone, my advice would be to seek out alternatives. My pick? Midnight’s Children. The movie’s fine, but the book is big enough to double as a weapon, and it’s got magic! Trumps this biz no doubt.
tl;dr Oscar-bait by any other name.
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Everything, Everything
The voiceover kicked in, and I tuned out. Immediate turn-off. Oh, that and the schmaltzy soundtrack. And the text messaging drama. And the uninteresting teen romance and aaaaaargh.
Stella Meghie directs this adaptation of a YA best-seller in which Maddy (Amandla Stenberg, aka Rue from The Hunger Games all growed up) falls for neighbour Olly (Nick Robinson, the dick older brother from Jurassic World). Catch is, she’s a bubble child – she suffers a rare condition that compromises her immunity, trapping her inside.
It’s all “I’d die for you” and “I need to live for just one day” action in the trailer, and while I’m sure it hits with teenage girls, it’s an immediate fizzer for me. Teen romance + dying kid = too much emotional manipulation. Enjoy, kids. Go fall in love. But do it away from Hallmark’s prying eyes.
tl;dr If you ever see me crying in a movie like this, I’m in the Sunken Place.
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Fairy Tail: Dragon Cry
I haven’t watched Fairy Tail, but by the looks of things it’s another global bestseller in the vein of Sword Art Online, One Piece or Bleach. That description gives you two indicators of this experience: a) it’s really only for existing fans of the show, and b) if you don’t like yelling, look elsewhere.
Fairy Tail takes place in the world of Earth-land, a world populated by wizards who separate themselves into guilds, thereby determining the jobs they’re assigned – picture The Witcher but with less bewbs. The Fairy Tail guild are known for being particularly destructive, hence the yelling.
Like One Piece before it, this is designed to have a universal appeal, but if the pirate serial’s lack of dragons was cause for perturbance for you, this could be the business. I still say go for the classics, but I’m not otaku enough to know definitively which way to go. I’ll say this – if you want to watch this, series first!
tl;dr The one thing I can say definitively? I know the protagonist’s rough power level.
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And now for THE VERDICT – maybe you only get to see one of these flicks on the big screen, and you don’t wanna waste that night out. So, drum roll please…
I haven’t even seen the first film, but this is another straightforward choice for me. Watch Ted lose his cool big time and shoot just about everyone while showing blatant disrespect to window makers in John Wick: Chapter 2.
Until next week!
