When it comes to kids’ shows, the 1990s was truly the wild, wild west.
After a hard day on the playground, there was nothing that we loved more than plopping down in front of the TV to watch favourite shows about everything from a blank-faced living doll, to a talking hot water bottle, to a man with a pencil for a nose.
And if the last part of that sentence made sense to you, then you, my fellow ’90s child, may just remember the following TV shows that, upon reflection, were actually wildly cooked and would have absolutely no place in today’s pure world of Bluey and Paw Patrol.
Honestly, it’s no wonder so many of us millennials are fucked in the head.
Lift-Off
This “educational” series was led by the unintentionally terrifying EC — the genderless, faceless doll that was apparently meant to represent “Every Child” of Australia. It was also alive??
Even the show’s stars know how freaky that creature is – including Play School presenter Luke Carroll, who said, “A lot of kids watching it who I’ve met as adults were terrified of it. But it never scared me, I used to always look forward to rocking up to the set and grabbing EC.”
No shit we were terrified of a living doll with no face that fell off the back of a garbage truck.
The Book Place
Another horror show made under the guise of “education” was The Book Place, and of course, its resident penis bookworm.
Not to be dramatic, but if you didn’t consider this cursed worm to be deeply disturbing, I’m going to put it out there and say you probably grew up to be a psychopath.
Mr Squiggle
Ah, yes, Mr Squiggle, the man from the moon who draws picture requests from Aussie kids with his pencil nose and occasionally moonwalked for our enjoyment.
Among the other weird AF characters in the show were an unceasingly pissed-off Blackboard, Gus the Snail (who had a TV for a shell), and Bill the steam shovel. Because why not?
Johnson & Friends
The only thing more disturbing than a talking accordion, pink elephant and a hot water bottle was the fact that I didn’t realise until recently that each character was an actor in a suit working on a giant set. It seems obvious now, yes, but it was still wildly unsettling upon my first realisation.
The Ferals/Feral TV
In what can only be described as some sort of bad acid trip, The Ferals – and later, its spin-off Feral TV – featured an eclectic group of animal puppets that live together in a backyard shed, including a rat called Rattus, a feral cat called Modigliana, a rabbit called Mixy, and a feral dog called Derryn.
Mulligrubs
I have no shred of doubt in my mind that the insanely creepy dismembered Mulligrubs face continues to haunt the dreams of millennials around the nation, that is all.
Round The Twist
Featuring more absurd plotlines than Home and Away could ever dream of, some of Round The Twist’s most memorable episodes included a story about an ice cream machine that turned human and created ice cream by eating things and shooting it out its nose, a boy who pees on a tree and gets pregnant, and a kid who gets his finger stuck up his nose after putting super glue on it. You just don’t see plotlines like that anymore, which is sad, really.
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