The internet has spoiled us.

I’ve had UberEATS four times this week, because I’ll take a slightly lukewarm burrito over getting slightly wet in this rain any day of the week. I’m not complaining about the internet, or about being spoiled – I actually love it. Thanks to ‘on demand’ culture we can all live like royal babies all the time.

The latest spoon-feeding comes from Airbnb Trips, which just launched in Sydney. We all know Airbnb; it’s the best app in the world for giving you permission to snoop around people’s houses. And with its new Trips app, you can book an ‘experience’ with a local in the city you’re staying in. No, an experience can’t be rooting. I’ve checked.

So far the Sydney experiences are limited to “Dining with Neil Perry” and “Surfing at Bondi” among a couple of others. Pretty boring. And not at all a true Sydney experience. That’s why I’ve put together a list of authentic Sydney experiences that I’m willing to share with tourists.

Five Authentic Sydney Experiences We’d Like To See On Airbnb Trips

1.Your Rent Going Up

There’s not much that screams Sydney more than getting an email from your real estate agency informing you that your rent is going up $180 at the next lease lapse. $180! A week?! But they haven’t even addressed the water damage on the roof of the living room! And the toilet seat has been loose since day one! I’ve emailed them about it. I even took photos, they’re on my phone… damn, I must’ve deleted them. Book now as this one will fill up. Price: $180.

2.Bitching About Simon

Let’s face it, Simon is a dick. Have you seen his Instagram? He’s always showing off his abs and hashtagging #beachlyfe. Urgh. Literally no one cares, Simon. We get it, your parents are rich; that doesn’t make you interesting. Your little goatee makes you look like a magician, but the only trick you’ve ever pulled is making your personality disappear.

If this type of bitching about Simon is something you’d enjoy, book now to join my group chat during your time in Sydney. He really is the worst.

3.Lining Up ForGelato Messina

GelatoMessina courtest Jason Tong-Flickr

Everyone who comes through our Harbour City has got to try Messina! The custom dairy flavours are made daily. The fruity gelato choices are delicious. But more exciting than munching down a salted caramel and doughnut chunk cone is lining up for 40 minutes on the street for an ice cream. You’ll be jostled by passing strangers. You’ll overhear racist conversations. You’ll question whether it’s worth having one of your legs go to sleep just to get some goddamn ice cream. Is it worth it? Book now and find out with me!

4.Complaining About WestConnex

The best part about complaining about WestConnex is that you’re always right. Even when you don’t know much about it. Just choose a few key phrases and repeat them. “It’s killing the Inner West!” “Fucking Baird!” Or if you want to get creative, “WestConnex? More like WorstConnex!” This experience always books out, so get in quick.

5.Clicking ‘Attending’ On A Friend’s Gig Then Staying In On The Night

Look, we all want the nightlife to be thriving. We all support the arts. We love that you’re following your dreams, and can’t wait till your band is famous! But at the same time, the entire series of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air is on Stan. So, you know. Book now to make your friend think their gig will be banging, and then back out without telling him.

What’s Funny This Week:

Thursday April 6

A Mic In Hand at The Friend In Hand, Glebe. This room is an institution. I’ve seen Wil Anderson, Sarah Silverman and Todd Barry all get up here and try new jokes.

Monday April 10

The Comedy Lounge at Cafe Lounge, Surry Hills. Absolutely one of the coolest comedy rooms in town. You get a free Jäger bomb if you count all the knick knacks on the walls (not true).

Also, if you have any mates in Melbourne, send them along to my Comedy Festival show [below]. I’m on at 7:30 at Trades Hall every night from Thursday March 30 – Sunday April 23. Tix on the website. Please don’t just click ‘attending’.

camJam

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